Console Arseitecture

Right its time to get my moan on (catch on DAMN YOU!!).
This one is going to be a two parter as the next part is going to be mostly pictures.
So upon reading about all these recent consoles breaking and failing a thing popped up in my mind.
That thing was a thought a thought that all current gen consoles are shite. Yep you read it. THEY ARE SHITE!! Not the games there's some good things there, but the way they are designed and the medium the games are stored on.
Yeah discs.
Discs are bloody horrible. They can get scratched, cracked (if there is force), scuffed (so they don't read) they are fragile little things. Compare that to a humble old NES cart. You could take a drill to that and it would still work as you can see from the following video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCLOxK6FpfA

It takes a beating spits in your face and asks for more. Where as with a disc you just need to touch the damn thing and it tells you everything and asks for its mommy.
Now from what I have been reading online there are a lot that are becoming download only and locked to the console so that's great if your hard drive fraks up no more games. Where as I admit that having all your games sitting there ready to be played with no disc nonsense is great it means that there is nothing physical. Ok I have moaned about that in the past so no more about that.

Now on to how they look.
In the past you could tell that they where games machines they displayed there consoleness with pride with a big old logo slapped on just to say “Hay we made this thing, now buy loads of games for it” These days all you get is a tiny little logo on something that looks like a DVD player. Ok so thats all some of them are a trumped up DVD player. The last home console that I think looked like one was the Gamecube. Ok maybe not. What was with the handle? Was it for the fanboys when they found out they have just bought a games machine that has only a hand full of games that are just for it so they can fling it at the nearest wall? Mind you come to think about it Nintendo made a load of reliable consoles (ok the NES had the blinking screen problem) Im not sure about the Wii but then again that looks like a mini DVD player only prob is IT WONT PLAY DVDS!!(without the homebrew channel).
Anyway the design of consoles.
I will save that for the next moan as it might be a bit long as there are going to be pictures.

Thanks for reading!

Cables of untanglement

Its time!
Its time to “Get my moan on” last weeks moan this week only with a video.
Well in case you didn't know I went to another games festival or geekend. So this moan shall be kinda related to one thing that will annoy me at these things and it is.
INCORECTLY BUNDLED CABLES!!


Yeah I found this little bundle the other day when sorting out some cables. Why it got like that is a mystery, but I am thinking it is those invisible little untangle stoats with there little hands of tartan
Now in case you didn't know I used to work in a indie games store and this was something that made me rage a little bit when ever a customer came in with a console to sell and all the cables where wrapped around the crusty mucky (sometimes smelly) pads.
So who bundles them up like that?
Why its that bloke that I keep mentioning. Granted its better than having them all over the floor, but it's not a pretty sight.
There is no slack in the controller cable its been wrapped around the pad so damn tight that it might just be pulled out of its socket. This is one of the only times I have been glad that recent controllers are wireless. Its no wonder they had to buy so many third party pads.
Where as everybody with at least a bit of know how knows that the right way to wind cables is to do so round your hand, then round its self and then pull the end threw the loops thusly.
See the following video.



Yeah no harm done to the cables and added bonus is that they now look decent and can easily be unwound with out doing that hold the end and let the controller fall to the floor.
Ok so there are more than one type of cable, but this little technique can be used on any thing that has a decent length of cable, but then small ones aren't likely to be the ones you have to waste your life untangling. So watch that video and learn how to bundle cables correctly so to save your time.

Thanks for reading and watching.

Quick Time Enemas

(I felt inspired after reading this comic strip)
Right its time to “Get my moan on” and this ones on time this week as I have been typing it in double quick time and yeah “quick time” and this event happens every Friday
QUICK TIME EVENTS!!!


So then Quick Time Events (QTEs from now on unless Im trying to hit some kind of minimum word thingy). THEY ARE ANNOYING!!
You can be watching a FMV at ease then all of a sudden a button flashes up on screen, but your not ready, you might have a drink in your hand, you might be blinking you might even be having a piss after all FMV bits in games are there to help you rest from playing some thing. So you miss the button press and die (or loose if its forgiving). How where you to know? Its your first time playing the game. (unless your re-playing it in which case PAY attention!).
Lets use a bit of role play here.
You are eating your tea then all of a sudden PRESS THIS flashes in front of your face, fail to press it right and you get a fork in you eye.
That's like these things, but with the fork stabbed in your arse cheek. Yeah a pain in the arse and thats what they are.
But when did they start?
What was the first game to use them?
Im not 100% on this but I think the first well known one was probably Dragons lair and the term was not passed round that much till Shenmue came out and boy oh boy did that game have a lot of them. (and the second had even more)
Ok so maybe Dragons Lair didn't have a massive button flash up but the ideas the same
Why are they in games then? Well if you have looked at the little comic strip at the start of this moan. That will help with that question. If it didn't I will explain.
They are put in games to annoy us during action games. Its like lets rest and tell you what to press at this point in the game during some FMV sequence so we can call it “GamePlay”. That's not what I'd call it. Id call it an annoying lazy way to make a game.
If I wanted to press a button during a FMV sequence ID PICK UP THE PAD AND DO IT!!
Now I did on one forum ask for a copy of Dragons Lair on DVD for a project I am working on, but first I think I will work on something else.
So yeah to developers STOP putting THEM IN GAMES OR WHAT HEPPEND IN THAT LITTLE COMIC STRIP MIGHT HAPPEN!!!

Thanks for reading.
Im not sure about next weeks as I shall be away keep a eye on my Twitter thingy as I will announce it there to my 30 or so followers.

Flashing pirates

Right its time to “Get my moan on”
Ok this one was later than usual due to me not writing it till Saturday
So then if you haven't herd there's a new DS out and a new 3D one on the way (In before April fools) . Now there's one thing that the DS is lacking on the release side of things and that is DECENT GAMES!! But what is to blame for that? Why is it that looking for a good game is like wading threw a ocean of morning piss looking for the clean bit to drink?(You know the stuff that early morning piss where your body gets out all of its waste in the form of a stream of yellow piss, it stinks and its not nice to look at in the bottom of the toilet). Well Ill tell you.
Its these flash carts. Everybody knows somebody that has a DS and its more than likely they know some one that uses one. Granted they where made for home-brewers to play there wares on the DS and to allow people to play them as well, but they have a darker side to them (No not Darth Vader porn) it is that they can be used to play downloaded DS roms and there's the problem. So instead of going out and buying “NEW EXICTING ACLAMED GAME” they go on to Isohunt, look for a download of it, pop it on there flash cart and play it. No sale there then now think of what I said earlier, no not the piss bit the bit where I said “Everybody knows somebody that has a DS and its more than likely they know some one that uses one” know think of them they are more than likely the ones that will want to play that game I mentioned so there goes a few sales of the game. So if all those are downloading games and not buying them who is buying them? Well a few of use still do, but that isn't enough numbers of people that buy it to keep it selling. So why is there still games coming out on it? Well look at them movie licenses, shitty TV tyins, girl games. WHY ARE THEY SELLING AND NOT THE GOOD GAMES? Well lets take a look at who buys them. Its that guy again. He whomb I mentioned in my past blogs yep THAT GUY. He buys games that he thinks will be good as “The TV/movie version is good so this will be a great game” and then proceed to buy it so there's one sale for the piss feast. He wont complain if a games company makes “Dancing on Ice 2010” and not “Gunstar Heroes mega blast” so who does?
Oh look its the guys that downloaded the game before (and me).
So there is the problem.
People that pirate games are destroying the games industry more than all the shovelware put together. After all there the things that are keeping the consoles selling and those lesser games company's a float.
So well done.
You guys are the reason why looking for a decent game on the DS is like wading threw a sea of piss.
And before you ask no I don't own one.
Insert hateful comments below (plz?)

Some moving words about the "Move"

Right its time to “Get my moan on”

So then the Playstation move
Yeah I have spoken about it before, but I feel I didn't go that far about why its moan worthy.
Why such hate for it?
Well look at it.
I know it looks like a Wiimote, but that's beside the point. It looks like something else more. What am I getting at here? Well let me tell you in the form of a story

All names are made up none of the following people are based off real people
For the past few months lil Dave (7) with his PS3 and collection of kids games (In a chavs eyes) that include such nicety's such as Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, Fifa 08 and Disney plat-former 3 has been mithering about the new Playstation move and his step dad that we shall just call Baz and mum Becky have just got there child maintenance threw and spent it all on Blue Lightning and weed unknown to lil Dave, but Daves birthday is due soon and he being the chavs child that he is thinks the reason why his mum and step dad have no money for new trainers is that they have gotten him what he wants.
So lil Dave goes into his parents bed room while they are down the pub and looks for his presents.
He pulls out a box.
Inside is a long black thing.
Lil Dave gets it out and trys to use it with his PS3
Sadly we all know what he has in his hands.
No its not the Playstation move.
Its another thing that looks like one.

Yeah the Playstation move looks like a dildo from some sci-fi movie.
But why?
Well some will say “So that it fits easier in your hands”, I think its shaped like that for another reason.
We all know that Sony like to copy other company's ideas and slap the word “NEW IDEA DO NOT STEAL!” on them, but I think they have misread what the Wiimote is (Or they have seen that picture of the girl shoving it up in her rude bits) and decided to make it look more penis like and rounded so it fits in easier
Or
Its shaped like that so Sony fan boys can go fuck them selfs with it.

But come on!
For years us gamers have come home from what ever we have been doing and just wanted to sit there controller in hand and unwind. With all these new get off your arse controllers it looks like we wont be able to for long.
I know Nintendo made the idea of being active in games seem like fun, but look at what grade a tripe the Wii has got.
GO ON LOOK AT IT!!
Now think of the same titles only with more graphics.
Wooooo “Walk it out” with life like people.

People want games like Punch my face hard till theres blood on your hands and Really good golf game 11 to bad that what they will get is Disney's hop skip and jump and In the night Garden point at the birdy game.
Yeah so I'm not expecting much from this Move, but then I don't have a PS3 yet (of the current gen I own a 360 and a Wii) so I should be looking forward to Natal, but I don't think I can.
All I have seen of it so far is interacting with some boy that looks AMAZING!!
Nar not really.
Social interaction is best done down the pub or out side and not on a computer.
Witch is probably where is best to be active.
Heck if I got active in my living room I might break something. I even tried to set out my Sega Activator the other day and failed due to lack of floor space (must tidy).

Thanks for reading.

OH NO ITS F-F-F-FANYBOYS!!!!

(A typical fanboy in this case its Fanboy from freakaziod)
Right I have had my morning tea (ran outa milk so its blacker than the soul of EAs recruitment policy's) so its time to get my moan on

Fan-boys there bloody annoying.
They sit there with there eyes closed to the truth about the thing there a massive fan about.
The Urban dictionary describes them as such

A passionate fan of various elements of geek culture (e.g. sci-fi, comics, Star Wars, video games, anime, hobbits, Magic: the Gathering, etc.), but who lets his passion override social graces.
At the mall I almost got mowed over by some Dragonball Z fanboy on his skateboard.

1. A person who is completely loyal to a game or company reguardless of if they suck or not. 
2. A pathetic insult often used by fanboys themselves to try and put down people who don't like whatever it is they like. 
3. See fool or SEGA.
"If you don't worship SEGA and send them all your money and pay $500 for the copy of Panzer Dragon I'm selling on ebay then your obviously a Sony fanboy even though I've never heard you mention a single thing about Sony the entire five minutes I've known you." Said the SEGAFanboy. 

"Yeah but the SNES didn't have Blast Processing" Said the Sega fanboy. 

"FF7 sucks" Said the SEGA Saturn fanboy.

(But Final Fantasy 7 does suck)

Ok I could have been called one in the past with the Sega Saturn as I thought it was the best thing ever and constantly made fun of the Playstations short comings to those that had one forgetting of course the Saturn had a load of its own (mainly it didn't do 3D games), but I grew up and grew out of it.
But fan boys have been around since well forever.
I think religion started it all with one section of people saying “Fuck yeah our god is more godly than yours£ and more criticising there vision of god and calling him a “Hippy pile-o-shite” saying “get a hair cut and a job” while worshipping a stick with a trilby on it and then taking it to the extremes and starting a war over it. When to there own shock the trilby blows off so they are left with a normal stick that gets discarded in the bin for collection the next day. (thank god im a atheist ok maybe not as I do worship at the alter of Lemmy and will be putting “Heavy Metal” in the census next year for shits and giggles)
Skip forward a few more years (try hundreds)now there's football teams and these guys have the same ideas they go to a massive dome like building and worship there own teams by buying the same T-shirts while wishing harm upon those that support the opposing side and chanting there mantra “your shit your shit don't you know it”
There are also anime fan boys and these are annoying as well.
I mean come on Bleach its just DragonBallz with swords and without the nostalgia and they see those bits where they show off there ultimate technique (arm chopo)to some body whom later on in the series ends up being somebody that gets all the very low level fights while the main hero shows off his newer ultimate technique (super arm chopo) to this newer bad guy that also later on becomes his friend, but this feels like im having a dig at Bleach here, but who can blame me?
There's more than Bleach though, but im just singling it out as it was the first one that popped into my head when I thought of anime fan boys (Ok Naruto popped up as well, but thats has a load of flaws so I wont bother going on about it, but hold on this is a game blog and im going on about thinks that could be tediously linked to games.
So console fanboys
These days its hard to understand why they still exist. I mean the 360 and PS3 get the same games coming out on them for the most part so its kinda down to there own lack of inelegance. Then there's the Wii I find very little that's good about that one as looking for “good games” on it is like walking threw a stream of sea looking for a spec of gold. I have had the pleasure of reading one Wii fanboys uneducated rants on a site known as “Wiichat” where he goes on at length about how developers are lazy and the Wii can handle games like the 360s version of Dead Rising with the 360s on screen zombie count and that Capcom where lazy with the port. I hate to of had him round in the 90s.
So yeah fanboys are a annoying bread of people that need to shut the hell up and look at there consoles down sides.

Yeah so theres a lot of fanboys about
from big time ones like galaxy's (milky way of GTFO) to tea and coffee (im on the tea side of things)
Maybe you know of a fan boy. Maybe you are one. maybe you are one of me (seek help now)
Thanks for skimming your eyes over the text
Feel free to comment and ask for a moan about something.

question of control

Well its time to get my moan on
(This was wrote before I read this months Retro Gamer)
So controllers then. Over the years we have had a few different examples of them over the years, some better than others. From the excellent Sega Saturn controller to the arse fest of the Sega Activator (getting us active in our games WHAT WHERE THEY THINKING!!?), but now all of our controllers have to be wireless. Now with the Wii thats understandable as you don't need a cord in the way as you swing the damn thing around while playing Wii Tennis, but then some thing bad happens as your battery's go flat so now you have to find some more so you can continue playing or in the case of the PS3/360 find the charge cable and use it as a wired controller. In my case id use it as a wired one anyway as I dont sit that far away from the screen.
While I'm on about "waggle" controllers I have to mention Sonys new dildo controller. Its another add on to the pile of "What Nintendo do others copy and improve" the main improvement in this case is its shape, its more rounded so those dirty feckers can make a porn game and use it as a rudimentary dildo and shove it up there arses to they can pretend that Lara Croft is fucking them up the arse with a strap-on.
Coming next from Sony a cock ring.