APRIL FOOL! Oh its after midday

What ever happened to “Good” funny April fools jokes? I mean like in games mags. Its alive and well online with all those ruining Duke Nukem Forever coming out jokes (Or even Duke Comes out?). I remember they used to be funny. Like with the Ultimate Fighting Universe (Still a better idea than Street fighter x Tekken) and Iznogood.....oh wait that was a real game.

I was going to do one online this year, but with all this time zone crap.

Maybe the death of Computer and Video games mag has led to them fizzling out and that is a shame as I loved the letters page the following month of people failing to spot it or even getting the wrong one (Yes there is a game called Iznogood and surprisingly it is no good, but what do you expect ITS FRENCH! The only decent thing that was animated that came out of France was Asterix).

But I did see one that was kinda obvious on Tokyo Toshokan where it has a splash screen saying that the FBI have taken it off line

So I was looking round for some this year and found none. Maybe us net heads are wiser to it.

I am your moaning sod thanks for reading.

Manual or auto

Get this I like to read things. I have read all sorts (Not the sweets), but like most I tend to read when I have nothing else to do. (like when having a crap, nobody wants shit on there handhelds clogging up the buttons, plus if the book is rubbish it will become bog roll) and one thing that I seem to browse threw is video game manuals.. Yes them little books that come with games. They are a right mixed bag. From the HOLYCRAPFULLCOLOURITSLIKESOMEKINDOFMADACID INDUCEDTRIPWHILESKIPINGTHEWAFEILDOFPONYSTHATAREMADEOFSKITTLES! that is the Japanese ones. To the Thisislikesomekindaofofficaldocument that is the US ones and the middle of the road UK ones. Some can be better than the game that there written about (Red Ninja has pictures). So yes they are good things.

There is also collectors that insist on having them and all the other junk that gets packed with there games and some retailers wont take a game as a exchange if they don’t have any.

So when I read the following earlier this week....

I was first in a rage about it. Then I remembered that its my old friend EA and they are only in it for the money. As it states EA will have in game how to's. So dose that make it better?

I say no. Ok maybe not “no” like that more like “NO!” with a slap to the face and a kick to the balls.

Ok reading on a bit more they are doing it mostly with there sports titles. I think most the sheep that by there yearly updates don’t read them anyway and people like that are un herd (derp) of in my eyes.

But if you look at most games manuals these days they can be no more than a sorry excuse for a flyer with the same amount of info.

In game ones are ok and all, but I like to read them on the bog.

So I wipe my arse with there money saving idea.

If making the game got cheaper will they still be full price?

Cheap games from EA?

Ok maybe not

Ducking cover

Ok so get this. If there’s one thing I hate in First Person Shooters these days its the following. “Duck and cover” or “Hide and seek”. Basically run to a bit of wall and hide behind it, pop out and shoot, now repeat until you go to the next wall, now turn the sodding thing off and stick on something “Fun”. FPS of the past where more like “JUST BRING IT!” now its more like “Oh don’t shoot me it might hurt”. Yeah I prefer the older way. It feels a lot less like virtual playing peak-a-boo. Ok so some “Wankers” past round the whole “Its strategic”. What is? Doing the same thing over and over? To me that’s just like in space invaders, only using the chickening out method and only popping out when you feel “Safe” where

as older FPS you just stand in the open telling them to “BRING ON THE PAIN!” then move a bit to the right or left (never both).

So again I say im waiting for Duke Nukem for ever to come and show the pansy’s how its done (again).

Shooters now

Shooters then

Nuff said

Things I hate about games I love

Welcome to another things I hate about games I love. A look into what kinda spoils a game experience on those masterpieces, but not as much for me to call it “Totally arsetastic”

This time its the turn of OutRun 2006 sp

So hold on and get ready to probably agree with what I am complaining about.

Ill start by saying that OutRun 2006 sp is probably the happiest game I have ever played. Its just so damn cheery and positive. Its the type of game that will stop me from feeling like its time to end it all. Its that positive. So its great, but what about what I hate about it? Well here we go. This is going to be tricky.

-First up its the menus. Ok these don't mean bugger all when driving, but they could at least make them a little easier to get threw. All that small writing and the noise as your going threw them don't help, but like I said they don't really ruin the game. While im on about that, cant it remember the last car you picked so that on your next go threw its the first one selected?

-When you finish a course you have to go back threw all these menus to change something like the music. While Magical sound shower its a great tune, I dont want to hear it all the time.

-The driver (lets call him Gitty Mc Fartpants). Hes a smug git like every sod that has a Fararri and has the type of face you want to slap, hes probably the type of person that goes to wine bars and has a favourite number and brand of wine and say things like “This has a nice body with good colour and tastes a bit like the last burning ember on the camp fire at my old log cabin that I rent out to a nice couple every year for a few weeks at a high price. Hes just that much of a git.

-The points thing. I have yet to unlock every thing as its a bit stingy the amount it gives at the end of every race and there never enough to buy anything.

-The Driver. HE IS A GIT! With a small penis.

-His bird. Probably only with him as he has a Ferrari, but what she says makes me want to shut her up with some sort of gag. Also what she says while your driving means she is the exactly type who probably gets easily distracted by..................Oh look a seagull.

-The timer. Unless its on easy it will run out on you even if you are on a perfect run.

-Car vs bus/truck. Car wins. WTF? Ok it is a arcade game and is not meant to be realistic, but still this is a bit silly.

-PSP link up? Anyone ever done this. Does it do anything good or is it a bit arse?

-The driver he’s a small penised smug git that is probably spoiled by his parents.

I have just realised that I CONTROLL HIM!

Ok time to go ram his posh car into a tree and see the lack of any kind of damage. Just emotional as his bird tells him off

Well there you have it. Some shit about something that is not shit.

Im going off to play it for a bit to cheer my self up.

What about just me?

Right there is something that annoys me about all these recent Capcom fighting games. It is this. NO SINGLE PLAYER MODES! Ok fighting games are meant to be played vs, but look at them. You have Arcade mode, vs and some kind of trails mode. Its great that they now have online gubbins, but what about if you want to play solo for a bit? Have they forgotten about a simple survival mode? Ive play budget fighting games that include one of these. They got this bang on with Alpha 3. That has modes that made it more than a simple vs game, even the arcade mode was great, but I spent most my time in the wonderful World tour mode. That was a thing of greatness and annoyance (some of the challenges are not suited to all characters). Im sure with these consoles they can at least bung a few extra modes. Im not asking for Alpha 3 on Dreamcast amount of modes, just a bit more solo scraping for your money.

Yars rearrange

Yars Revenge more info

You know what?

IF ITS NOTHING THE THE ORIGINAL IT SHOULDN'T BARE ITS NAME!

Call the game something other than Yars Revenge as its NOT THE SAME SMEGING GAME!

Yars nooo

Another video one

See it here