Positively Crappy gaming experance

Well its sunny out side it cold be what is called “A nice day” and I'm stuck inside as there are things to be done round the flat. Ok I could probably go outside but I can't be arsed so I have a glass of Irn Bru and some Dio on (HE LIVED!!) so its time to “Get my moan on”
Pc gaming (not as in emulators). Yet another thing that I seem to hate in my massive hate filled mind (Ok its not all hate as I do have something called love that makes me feel wrong inside). I'm a simple person (no not like that) I like my gaming time to be spent playing the games not making sure if they will work on my PC. Just plug in and turn on (with a game in durr). Its one of the main reasons why I no longer own a Commodore 64, Amiga or Spectrum as spending five minutes listening to it whine is five minutes into some thing like the sublime Gunstar heroes or five minutes into ANOTHER FMV BIT in Metal Gear Solid . Heck there are games that I could finish in five minutes. So skip forward to what this moan is about and it is about PC gaming (If you hadn't of guessed from the first few words) it is a problem for me as I am the type of person that don't This moan is kinda triggered by Steam recently giving away Portal FOR FREE!!(is there anybody that really hates this game?) Que happiness from around the web, then que sadness as people like me have to mess around with loads of settings just to make sure it don't jerk around like a bad cam job of some new film. Well there's two main reasons why
For starters there's the “Installing” thing. I have the game on a disc in the drive. Why do I have to sit there waiting for it to install? Ok so I understand about the settings that have to be saved, but that's just a small file and now we have the main consoles (ok not the Wii) doing it. So what if it lowers loading time. If I have the disc in the drive that's the game I want to play. Where as I admit it is convenient to have your favourite games a click away all recent PC games are on DVD and that's about 4 gigs worth of stuff. Try installing a few of them on your hard drive then see how much space you have left)
There is also the hardware side of things. New PC hardware seems to come out every month. Ok so not all games need all this recent tech to play, but when it costs over a ton (that's a hundred pounds to other people) for last years tech so even when I have the money for it its retro already. This is why I am thankful for consoles its only every five years a new one comes out (unless its a hand-held as Nintendo seem to be making one of them every few months). Speaking of, isn't it time for a new console?
But there is good bits as well. For the most part PC games are fully configurable in the controls department. My Trackball and pad controls are really good (In the case of portal trackball was for looking and fire pad was moving jump and duck (note only half was held and the 360 pad is good for this)
Then there'ss also the moding of games this can usually make the games more entertaining (Look up Garys mod to see what I mean).

Overall PC gaming is a bit hit and miss for the likes of me because at the end of the day you do still see most of the PC games coming out on consoles and for the most part the most PC games I end up playing are a few years old and then there's the emulation and not forgetting games like Solitaire Free-cell and Minesweeper that are the most played PC games ever.
Thanks for glancing at this.

Tie-ins are knot good

Welcome to another moan.
For this moan I have just gotten pissed off over using the last tea bag and am listening to Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, Howe's self titled album. Ok its not aggressive music as a matter of fact its damn good. So anyway its time to “Get my moan on” in one that is completely different from what I was writing earlier in the week
Right so movie/TV games its safe to say there are a lot of them, but are they any good? For the most part the answer is a big old “NO”. So why are they so crap? Well more often than not they are rushed out to make the release date of a film to make a couple extra quid and there lies the problem. Games should never be rushed out. As then they end up as annoying bug feasts of crap, but wait we are in the download age so now when comes out and it has a bug on it later on when the company in question are arsed they release a patch to make everything better. What of a simple matter of testing that sodding thing before it comes out? Oh wait no time for that just put the game in the slot press start and play about five minutes then pass it. (im not getting at testers here. They have a hard enough job as it is).
I think the Wii has the hardest time of all. Well think about it. Its easy for them to make a mini game pack, tag on waggle control's and make it out just in time for another shitty Cgi film that's now probably in “3D”. Go on I dare you to look at what's on at the cinema I bet there's one on there right now. Its become way to easy for them to make these “Films” now. Back a few years ago it was great now its bloody shite. Thank you Hayao Miyazaki for still doing things the traditional way and still having something that looks like its not a soulless shameless product placement feast of shite so there kids can annoy there parents to buy the toys, the clothes, the cereal, the games and go to Mc Donalds so they can have the Happy meal with the shitty little toys that probably break as soon as they get them home.
Ok im being a bit negative here there are examples of a “good” game based on a film and here seems to be the catch, but I wont spoil it for you have a look at these names.
-Ghostbusters – PS3/360/Wii/PS2 (ok maybe not as much that version)
-Goldeneye – N64 (Ok I don't really like it, but people do)
-Alien vs Predator – Jaguar/Arcade (different game)
-Aliens – Arcade
-Alien trilogy – PC/PSone/Saturn
-Die Hard Arcade – Saturn
-Xmen Children of the atom – Arcade/Saturn/PSone
There are seven.
Why am I mentioning them? Well they (for the most part) came out after the film there based off. Ok apart from the first Alien vs Predator games they came out years before and reverses this little rule.
There where also a load of great games based off Disney cartoons from the 80s/90s (Duck Tails and Darkwing duck to name two) and there's something about these. Oh wait there all by Capcom, Capcom used to do a load of movie games in fact look at the seven examples three of them are by Capcom.
And then theres the worst TV/Movie tie ins.
Superman – N64 – Ok this cam out years after and it based on the cartoon series.
ET – Regarded as one of the worst games ever
Supergran – Spectrum/c64/Amstrad CPC (Warning name may be lost on those of you not from the UK).
So if they are meant to be bad who keeps buying them?
Look at the parents of those kids. Them kids get brainwashed by these new kids films and so get there parents to buy them.
Then theres that bloke that I keep mentioning. The ill informed sod. He watches avatar and thinks that the game will be the same and hes right for the most part they are both shite.
And yet look at one of the children's movie makers I have mentioned.
Hayao Miyazaki he has siad that he doscent want games based on film works and yet there are a few references to his works in games
I wont plead to these big company's to stop it as they wont listen. They never listen to people requests.
Anyway I have typed my peace on this subject.
I am kinda running out of things to moan about. So I might have a generic “Suggestions” post some time soon.

On another note
If you type “Moaning sod” into google im the top five web sites.
Not bad considering I CLOSED ONE OF THEM!!!!

I am also going to be working on a “How to get your moan on” soonish

Shoulder of burden

Right I have my cuppa here I had some music on (it was the Panzer dragoon OST till it started to get hard to listen to while trying to get some work done while fighting off “Nostalgia attacks”) I have my parrot over looking my typing. So its time to “Get my Moan on”

WARNING!!!!
If you don't like the word “Controller” don't read this moan.
So I have done a few posts about controllers, but theres one thing that I missed out and its something that is on all recent controllers. What is it WELL HOLD ON IM GETTING TO THAT STOP BEING SO IMPATIENT! Honestly people these days they want things as soon as possible if I wanted things as soon as possible id be in the red money wise and I wouldn't go to the Tudor caff in Stockport. Ok im going off topic here an that topic shall be revealed NOW!!
Shoulder buttons.
*Stunned silence*
Ok don't all cheer at once.
Yeah these things at the top of pads that are meant to allow us more control and for the most part they do. Well ok thats a bit to positive for a moan. So on to what annoys me about them. Well for the most part there a bit out of the way. I will show you what I believe are the worst ones.

ARGH!!!
Yes the ones on the Intellivision controller. They are hard to press and as the controller its self is a load of crap they don't help matters as they require a lot of force to press the damn things and that makes games like Burger Time bloody hard to play and thats not easy to do with its disc controller.
Skip forward to the SNES ones these where great for F-Zero, but a major annoyance for Street Fighter as there was only four buttons on the front. Ok so some SNES fanboys will be foaming at the mouth at my slating of the SNES pad. ITS TRUE ITS NOT THE BEST!! The damn D-pad is rubbish when put against the Mega Drive one.
Skip forward a bit and we have the N64 with its three shoulder buttons L, R and Z and its god awful placement of them. Ok so there aren't that many games that use every button on the pad (Think THQs Wrestling ones are the only ones), but still its hard to have every button covered. I have come up with a way, but its not easy and not comfortable Id have a picture of this position (easy there) but I have no hands free to take it. Then on to the GameCube that looks like its some kind of kids toy, but at least THE “Z” BUTTON IS IN REACH!!
Skip more time to the Saturns first UK pad What the hell? THESE THINGS ARE LIKE TORTURE ON MY FINGERS!!! Ok so in the early days of the Saturn no games really made a lot of use of them (Panzer Dragoon is probably the one that made the best use out of them in the early days)and Sega sorted it out with the mark 2 pad. Then they went a bit mad with the strangely titled “3d controller” aren't all controllers 3D anyway? Well fans called it “The Fat Controller” these days its called “Sir Topham Hatt” as calling something “Fat” isn't very fucking PC (I really hate those fags they have spoiled TV and are probably the reason why Till death do us part isn't on TV). The shoulder buttons on that where more like triggers of a gun and interestingly there was a code for some games so that they played better with that pad or the Dan Jevons control method as it was known to Sega Saturn Magazine readers. That pad then lost two buttons (why?), got a shitty d-pad (WHY?) and gained a few ports (the pad could be detached from its cable for some reason) and became the Dreamcast controller and the rest became history.......Well it became the Xbox pad and that was bigger than Sir Topham Hatts hats arse and even less fun to use. I mean it had two new buttons called “Black and White” where these some kind of viral advertising for the “Black and white” game that never saw a port on the console?
That was more or less sorted with the “S-controller” that was quite nice to use, but still black and white where out of the way. Then came the strangely titled “Xbox 360” (Note to idiots ITS NOT CALLED JUST XBOX!! If you are that lazy as to abbreviate some thing that is already short call it a 360). That pad is ok. Even if the guy that moved the analogue sticks round is a prick.
During the time of Segas last reign as console makers a little known company released a console who are they? They where Sony and there pad had FOUR SHOULDER BUTTONS!! Because two weren't enough (It also had a crappy D-pad that looked like four arrows pointing to a place where treasure was hidden, but no amount of digging found anything of value) there where not well placed, but as we all know Sony likes to steal ideas and make them there own. The PS2 controller changed them a bit and made them a little easier to press, but still the L1 and R1 ones where a bit outa the way. The PS3 ones are more like triggers still the same pad only the back buttons are now made with First Person Shooters in mind (Maybe thats why theres so many of them).
Well thats the home consoles sorted now for handhelds
This is a new thing as the first one to have them was the GameBoy Advance they where ok I guess then to the SP. Oh dear.
CRAMP IN MY HANDS!!!
Who ever made them that small and that hard to get to needs to be chinned.
Then the Micro haven't had the chance to play on one at length so can't moan about it.
Then the DS FUCK IT!!!
DS lite SAME!!
Dsi SAME AGAIN!
PSP take the same idea as a PS one pad and fuck it up.
Well thats all from me this week next one is burning round in my head (its ok I pored some water in my ear to put it out), but I have been asked “How do I find things to moan about?” So I might end up doing something about that.

Console arseytechture the number after one

Right its time to “Get my moan on” and in continuing with the last one I will be moaning about.
The shape of consoles.
I did say there where going to be pictures THAT WAS A LIE!!! (Kinda)
Ok in the past a video games console looked like one, it has a massive hole for where the cart went in, it had pad ports and it (mostly) looked good, but the past few consoles I don't know what's going on with.
I will start with what I think was the first one to cock up the idea of what it looks like.
The PS2
Granted there isn't much you can do with adding a disc drive to something. Look at the Atari Jaguar's CD add on. Ok ok I wont say what it looks like as you can tell by the shite the was put on it. The PS2 on the other hand looks like some kind of art deco thing. It has a ledge sticking out on top that makes it look like its the wrong way up, it has ridges on the top half that I suppose where put on it to make it look like it takes up less space, then theres that massive expansion port on the back that was used for sod all for us UK types. (I am aware that modders use it for a harddrive to store games on).
There was also the logo on the disc drive that could be turned round that was a nice touch, but how many people knew about it?
The PS3
Don't own one, but it looks like some one melted parts of the PS2 to make them rounded then covered up the pad ports.
Then came there “Slim” ones the where just that slimmer versions of the bigger consoles, with a external power thingy and less soul.
Then there was the GameCube.
What where Nintendo on? A HANDLE ON THE BACK!!? Ok it still looks like a console, but WHY A HANDLE!!? Granted the damn thing is like a brick and wont break easily.
Perhaps thats what the handle is for.....wait....Maybe...................YES!
Coming at the next event “Gamecube hurling”
Now to there next one the not named after body waste.
The Wii.
Great its small, compact, with a load of hidden ports asking for you to plug things into them like its some kind of sexual act so it looks like some kind of cyborg tentacle monster from the future. I will say this I like its design, but with one problem. THE FLAPS!!! Shitty little plastic hinges that covers up the top side ports.
Now on to the Xbox
First one was a monster, a massive monster some thing that feels like Microsoft put several bricks inside it, it would make a great paper weight, but still looked like a console.
360 same as, but wait!
THAT POWER THINGY!!!
ITS HUGE!!
If somebody broke into your house you could club them to death with it.
Theres also the Harddrive, why is it on the out side?
In closing I do know that they are trying to make consoles look like they are part of all these set top boxes, but I long for a time when consoles looked like they where made outa wood.
The Atari VCS was a thing of beauty. The Intellivison was nice looking (even if the controllers where a pille-o-shite).
I do realise that I seem to be targeting the last few consoles, but with the amount of consoles there have been in the past it would take ages to list them all so I will show you this and say BRB need to poop.

Next weeks is going to be written soon and posted on the usual day.
I do have another in writing, but its not games based.

Console Arseitecture

Right its time to get my moan on (catch on DAMN YOU!!).
This one is going to be a two parter as the next part is going to be mostly pictures.
So upon reading about all these recent consoles breaking and failing a thing popped up in my mind.
That thing was a thought a thought that all current gen consoles are shite. Yep you read it. THEY ARE SHITE!! Not the games there's some good things there, but the way they are designed and the medium the games are stored on.
Yeah discs.
Discs are bloody horrible. They can get scratched, cracked (if there is force), scuffed (so they don't read) they are fragile little things. Compare that to a humble old NES cart. You could take a drill to that and it would still work as you can see from the following video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCLOxK6FpfA

It takes a beating spits in your face and asks for more. Where as with a disc you just need to touch the damn thing and it tells you everything and asks for its mommy.
Now from what I have been reading online there are a lot that are becoming download only and locked to the console so that's great if your hard drive fraks up no more games. Where as I admit that having all your games sitting there ready to be played with no disc nonsense is great it means that there is nothing physical. Ok I have moaned about that in the past so no more about that.

Now on to how they look.
In the past you could tell that they where games machines they displayed there consoleness with pride with a big old logo slapped on just to say “Hay we made this thing, now buy loads of games for it” These days all you get is a tiny little logo on something that looks like a DVD player. Ok so thats all some of them are a trumped up DVD player. The last home console that I think looked like one was the Gamecube. Ok maybe not. What was with the handle? Was it for the fanboys when they found out they have just bought a games machine that has only a hand full of games that are just for it so they can fling it at the nearest wall? Mind you come to think about it Nintendo made a load of reliable consoles (ok the NES had the blinking screen problem) Im not sure about the Wii but then again that looks like a mini DVD player only prob is IT WONT PLAY DVDS!!(without the homebrew channel).
Anyway the design of consoles.
I will save that for the next moan as it might be a bit long as there are going to be pictures.

Thanks for reading!

Cables of untanglement

Its time!
Its time to “Get my moan on” last weeks moan this week only with a video.
Well in case you didn't know I went to another games festival or geekend. So this moan shall be kinda related to one thing that will annoy me at these things and it is.
INCORECTLY BUNDLED CABLES!!


Yeah I found this little bundle the other day when sorting out some cables. Why it got like that is a mystery, but I am thinking it is those invisible little untangle stoats with there little hands of tartan
Now in case you didn't know I used to work in a indie games store and this was something that made me rage a little bit when ever a customer came in with a console to sell and all the cables where wrapped around the crusty mucky (sometimes smelly) pads.
So who bundles them up like that?
Why its that bloke that I keep mentioning. Granted its better than having them all over the floor, but it's not a pretty sight.
There is no slack in the controller cable its been wrapped around the pad so damn tight that it might just be pulled out of its socket. This is one of the only times I have been glad that recent controllers are wireless. Its no wonder they had to buy so many third party pads.
Where as everybody with at least a bit of know how knows that the right way to wind cables is to do so round your hand, then round its self and then pull the end threw the loops thusly.
See the following video.



Yeah no harm done to the cables and added bonus is that they now look decent and can easily be unwound with out doing that hold the end and let the controller fall to the floor.
Ok so there are more than one type of cable, but this little technique can be used on any thing that has a decent length of cable, but then small ones aren't likely to be the ones you have to waste your life untangling. So watch that video and learn how to bundle cables correctly so to save your time.

Thanks for reading and watching.

Quick Time Enemas

(I felt inspired after reading this comic strip)
Right its time to “Get my moan on” and this ones on time this week as I have been typing it in double quick time and yeah “quick time” and this event happens every Friday
QUICK TIME EVENTS!!!


So then Quick Time Events (QTEs from now on unless Im trying to hit some kind of minimum word thingy). THEY ARE ANNOYING!!
You can be watching a FMV at ease then all of a sudden a button flashes up on screen, but your not ready, you might have a drink in your hand, you might be blinking you might even be having a piss after all FMV bits in games are there to help you rest from playing some thing. So you miss the button press and die (or loose if its forgiving). How where you to know? Its your first time playing the game. (unless your re-playing it in which case PAY attention!).
Lets use a bit of role play here.
You are eating your tea then all of a sudden PRESS THIS flashes in front of your face, fail to press it right and you get a fork in you eye.
That's like these things, but with the fork stabbed in your arse cheek. Yeah a pain in the arse and thats what they are.
But when did they start?
What was the first game to use them?
Im not 100% on this but I think the first well known one was probably Dragons lair and the term was not passed round that much till Shenmue came out and boy oh boy did that game have a lot of them. (and the second had even more)
Ok so maybe Dragons Lair didn't have a massive button flash up but the ideas the same
Why are they in games then? Well if you have looked at the little comic strip at the start of this moan. That will help with that question. If it didn't I will explain.
They are put in games to annoy us during action games. Its like lets rest and tell you what to press at this point in the game during some FMV sequence so we can call it “GamePlay”. That's not what I'd call it. Id call it an annoying lazy way to make a game.
If I wanted to press a button during a FMV sequence ID PICK UP THE PAD AND DO IT!!
Now I did on one forum ask for a copy of Dragons Lair on DVD for a project I am working on, but first I think I will work on something else.
So yeah to developers STOP putting THEM IN GAMES OR WHAT HEPPEND IN THAT LITTLE COMIC STRIP MIGHT HAPPEN!!!

Thanks for reading.
Im not sure about next weeks as I shall be away keep a eye on my Twitter thingy as I will announce it there to my 30 or so followers.