Friday, 30 April 2010

Console arseytechture the number after one

Right its time to “Get my moan on” and in continuing with the last one I will be moaning about.
The shape of consoles.
I did say there where going to be pictures THAT WAS A LIE!!! (Kinda)
Ok in the past a video games console looked like one, it has a massive hole for where the cart went in, it had pad ports and it (mostly) looked good, but the past few consoles I don't know what's going on with.
I will start with what I think was the first one to cock up the idea of what it looks like.
The PS2
Granted there isn't much you can do with adding a disc drive to something. Look at the Atari Jaguar's CD add on. Ok ok I wont say what it looks like as you can tell by the shite the was put on it. The PS2 on the other hand looks like some kind of art deco thing. It has a ledge sticking out on top that makes it look like its the wrong way up, it has ridges on the top half that I suppose where put on it to make it look like it takes up less space, then theres that massive expansion port on the back that was used for sod all for us UK types. (I am aware that modders use it for a harddrive to store games on).
There was also the logo on the disc drive that could be turned round that was a nice touch, but how many people knew about it?
The PS3
Don't own one, but it looks like some one melted parts of the PS2 to make them rounded then covered up the pad ports.
Then came there “Slim” ones the where just that slimmer versions of the bigger consoles, with a external power thingy and less soul.
Then there was the GameCube.
What where Nintendo on? A HANDLE ON THE BACK!!? Ok it still looks like a console, but WHY A HANDLE!!? Granted the damn thing is like a brick and wont break easily.
Perhaps thats what the handle is for.....wait....Maybe...................YES!
Coming at the next event “Gamecube hurling”
Now to there next one the not named after body waste.
The Wii.
Great its small, compact, with a load of hidden ports asking for you to plug things into them like its some kind of sexual act so it looks like some kind of cyborg tentacle monster from the future. I will say this I like its design, but with one problem. THE FLAPS!!! Shitty little plastic hinges that covers up the top side ports.
Now on to the Xbox
First one was a monster, a massive monster some thing that feels like Microsoft put several bricks inside it, it would make a great paper weight, but still looked like a console.
360 same as, but wait!
If somebody broke into your house you could club them to death with it.
Theres also the Harddrive, why is it on the out side?
In closing I do know that they are trying to make consoles look like they are part of all these set top boxes, but I long for a time when consoles looked like they where made outa wood.
The Atari VCS was a thing of beauty. The Intellivison was nice looking (even if the controllers where a pille-o-shite).
I do realise that I seem to be targeting the last few consoles, but with the amount of consoles there have been in the past it would take ages to list them all so I will show you this and say BRB need to poop.

Next weeks is going to be written soon and posted on the usual day.
I do have another in writing, but its not games based.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Console Arseitecture

Right its time to get my moan on (catch on DAMN YOU!!).
This one is going to be a two parter as the next part is going to be mostly pictures.
So upon reading about all these recent consoles breaking and failing a thing popped up in my mind.
That thing was a thought a thought that all current gen consoles are shite. Yep you read it. THEY ARE SHITE!! Not the games there's some good things there, but the way they are designed and the medium the games are stored on.
Yeah discs.
Discs are bloody horrible. They can get scratched, cracked (if there is force), scuffed (so they don't read) they are fragile little things. Compare that to a humble old NES cart. You could take a drill to that and it would still work as you can see from the following video

It takes a beating spits in your face and asks for more. Where as with a disc you just need to touch the damn thing and it tells you everything and asks for its mommy.
Now from what I have been reading online there are a lot that are becoming download only and locked to the console so that's great if your hard drive fraks up no more games. Where as I admit that having all your games sitting there ready to be played with no disc nonsense is great it means that there is nothing physical. Ok I have moaned about that in the past so no more about that.

Now on to how they look.
In the past you could tell that they where games machines they displayed there consoleness with pride with a big old logo slapped on just to say “Hay we made this thing, now buy loads of games for it” These days all you get is a tiny little logo on something that looks like a DVD player. Ok so thats all some of them are a trumped up DVD player. The last home console that I think looked like one was the Gamecube. Ok maybe not. What was with the handle? Was it for the fanboys when they found out they have just bought a games machine that has only a hand full of games that are just for it so they can fling it at the nearest wall? Mind you come to think about it Nintendo made a load of reliable consoles (ok the NES had the blinking screen problem) Im not sure about the Wii but then again that looks like a mini DVD player only prob is IT WONT PLAY DVDS!!(without the homebrew channel).
Anyway the design of consoles.
I will save that for the next moan as it might be a bit long as there are going to be pictures.

Thanks for reading!

Friday, 16 April 2010

Cables of untanglement

Its time!
Its time to “Get my moan on” last weeks moan this week only with a video.
Well in case you didn't know I went to another games festival or geekend. So this moan shall be kinda related to one thing that will annoy me at these things and it is.

Yeah I found this little bundle the other day when sorting out some cables. Why it got like that is a mystery, but I am thinking it is those invisible little untangle stoats with there little hands of tartan
Now in case you didn't know I used to work in a indie games store and this was something that made me rage a little bit when ever a customer came in with a console to sell and all the cables where wrapped around the crusty mucky (sometimes smelly) pads.
So who bundles them up like that?
Why its that bloke that I keep mentioning. Granted its better than having them all over the floor, but it's not a pretty sight.
There is no slack in the controller cable its been wrapped around the pad so damn tight that it might just be pulled out of its socket. This is one of the only times I have been glad that recent controllers are wireless. Its no wonder they had to buy so many third party pads.
Where as everybody with at least a bit of know how knows that the right way to wind cables is to do so round your hand, then round its self and then pull the end threw the loops thusly.
See the following video.

Yeah no harm done to the cables and added bonus is that they now look decent and can easily be unwound with out doing that hold the end and let the controller fall to the floor.
Ok so there are more than one type of cable, but this little technique can be used on any thing that has a decent length of cable, but then small ones aren't likely to be the ones you have to waste your life untangling. So watch that video and learn how to bundle cables correctly so to save your time.

Thanks for reading and watching.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Quick Time Enemas

(I felt inspired after reading this comic strip)
Right its time to “Get my moan on” and this ones on time this week as I have been typing it in double quick time and yeah “quick time” and this event happens every Friday

So then Quick Time Events (QTEs from now on unless Im trying to hit some kind of minimum word thingy). THEY ARE ANNOYING!!
You can be watching a FMV at ease then all of a sudden a button flashes up on screen, but your not ready, you might have a drink in your hand, you might be blinking you might even be having a piss after all FMV bits in games are there to help you rest from playing some thing. So you miss the button press and die (or loose if its forgiving). How where you to know? Its your first time playing the game. (unless your re-playing it in which case PAY attention!).
Lets use a bit of role play here.
You are eating your tea then all of a sudden PRESS THIS flashes in front of your face, fail to press it right and you get a fork in you eye.
That's like these things, but with the fork stabbed in your arse cheek. Yeah a pain in the arse and thats what they are.
But when did they start?
What was the first game to use them?
Im not 100% on this but I think the first well known one was probably Dragons lair and the term was not passed round that much till Shenmue came out and boy oh boy did that game have a lot of them. (and the second had even more)
Ok so maybe Dragons Lair didn't have a massive button flash up but the ideas the same
Why are they in games then? Well if you have looked at the little comic strip at the start of this moan. That will help with that question. If it didn't I will explain.
They are put in games to annoy us during action games. Its like lets rest and tell you what to press at this point in the game during some FMV sequence so we can call it “GamePlay”. That's not what I'd call it. Id call it an annoying lazy way to make a game.
If I wanted to press a button during a FMV sequence ID PICK UP THE PAD AND DO IT!!
Now I did on one forum ask for a copy of Dragons Lair on DVD for a project I am working on, but first I think I will work on something else.

Thanks for reading.
Im not sure about next weeks as I shall be away keep a eye on my Twitter thingy as I will announce it there to my 30 or so followers.