Arsecade

Whoa a none video one.

You wont be seeing my ugly face this time.

Ok so arcade machines. These monoliths (or stereoliths if you are getting fancy). YES I AM MOANING ABOUT THEM!, ok not them in general, but the shape of them. I know there meant to be big(probably to stop people from nicking them as when most are opened up there’s next to noting inside). I am talking about a certain type. These are those generic ones that are made with no game in mind. Like those Candy cabs (google it). Admittedly they are nice and great space savers, but they ain’t a patch on a good old defecated cabs like Operation Wolf, Pac-Man Silent hill (yes there’s a arcade version of it and its good) and OutRun 2 (probably one of the most happy games ever) and etc etc.(In before sarcasm) Its just these generic ones are a bit soulless, with all there brighter than white colour scheme. I know there’s are dark times for the humble old arcade and its a damn sight cheaper to make a board than a entire cab dedicated to one game, but what about a bit of branding? A sticker for the side of the cab or a marque? It cant cost that much to make them.

I am the moaning sod and that was this Fridaily moan thanks for reading

Capcom Ryuharsh again

Yep its another video one. You dont have to watch it (for the most part)

Click the link to see it

TL;DW - EVIL RYU ONI AKUMA WHY?

Move - Is in da porn

The usual trawl threw the news sties made my eyes see the following

The nerd within thought "You doing it wrong"

The dirty fecker thought "It needs to be lower"

The gamer thought "What are they playing?"

Kinect is not arse

Ok its time for me to Get my moan on.

Its bound to be Friday somewhere in the universe.

I have been in to much of a good mood in the past few days due to recent developments. (I walk and play with dogs for a living what do you do you desk bound peons? Just make the rich richer? Ill save the bragging till I find out if I like it.

Well in the past you lot have found out that I don’t like the Kinect one bit. That is a lie. I like the hardware. I like the hardware a lot it shows promise. You can see a lot of what’s its good for on the following site.

Kinect hacks

Microsoft are being nice and allowing this as it means they are shifting them. It also means that the pack in game is getting traded in. So good on them! Really I’m glad that they are letting people do great things with great tech. Even if it is just a tarted up Eyetoy. The move on the other hand........Nobody wants to have it as they have had the Wiimote for the past few years and it has all been done with that.

So yes this is me praising the Kinect, BUT NOT THE GAMES! The games are still the bottom of a can of spam at the bottom of a skip with other spam about somebody getting there teeth white marked “Bull shit only”. (My teeth are white as I don’t eat half the crap most people do).

So yeah THE KINECT IS RADICAL! Its just the games I have a problem with.

(Children of Eden might be good, I am not looking forward to it)

Midweek madness Movie moan

Oh looky its a video one

Click the link to see it. There where a few takes as sometimes the parrot is a bit too noisy while I talk

3DS goes red and black with a hint of shite

Ok so this weeks Moan is a video one and here it is



Additional.
The console in question is arse. The idea behind it was good to start with then they removed all but two colours

Show some COD RESPCT!

Ok that video moan I was going to do is on the back burner for a week (gotta make is sound less like I am whispering), but mainly as there is another thing that really gets on my flat man tits. It is the following...
Check the dates that the last COD games have come out. Its ok I can wait.......
Yeah they are bringing them out a bit to close to November the eleventh (Armistice day). Why are they bringing a game about shooting people in some war type thing around this time? Cant they hold it off for a few weeks? Or are they just being uncaring little fags? I am voting for the later.
Ok I admit that I think the COD games are a example of copy paste game design to the extreme as thats how they make them. As a matter of fact they change very little of it and call it “NEW” and that its self isn't that “New” its so old that its in a old folk’s home on life support and only coming out to get fed more soup (with out chunks).
One thing they could at least do is turn the online/servers off for a few minutes and show a poppy just to show some kind of respect, but no. That would require a bit of programming that isn't just copy paste.
TL:DR
COD guys dont do respect

Shining farce

Well its time to “Get my moan on” and there has been one thing bugging me of late. Ok a few “Things” that have been. Not all games related, but ill keep them to off topic moans in the middle of the week. Heck I have a few in writing that have those little full stops in a line like this ”............” to remind me to finish them. Ok that’s enough of that you are probably only reading this to read my a bit long rants about games.

There’s a sires that seems to of stopped being made. It is one of those that is fondly remembered among fans. One that I my self think has no black sheep in its family (No its not Bubsy). One that ok it is still going, but not in the way its fans want it to be and this makes them sad (and my more annoyed than Mr Angry losing on a game thanks to a cheap CPU player). This series name is “Shining Force” Ok the “Shining” series is still going, but they are nothing like the Shining Force games as well for starters they are not Strategy Role Playing Games (SRPG for short). Why they are not making the Shining force games is a mystery as SRPGs are still being made and are still popular. Ok so they have changed a little since the Shining Force games started out, but that’s called progress. If that never happened we would be stuck playing updates of the same old games (Street fighter 2 I am looking at you).
In my eyes its PROGRESS MY ARSE! What’s wrong with new versions of older games? Well for those that didn't know Sega are still putting out the first few Shining force games, but not the third one. WHY NOT THE THIRD?
Come on Sega. That was one of the last few games on the Saturn in the UK and they DIDNT FINISH IT OFF! Well not for us poor sods in the UK. Parts two and three are out in Japan (two has been given a fan translation). So everywhere else don't get the full story just part of it. To get what im talking about. Picture Star Wars. Now think of it as only the Phantom Menace (Ouch thats a sore point for Star Wars fans) that can be watched and the rest of them in some alien language. Yes its just like that. Only with something that will make you want to watch it all or play it all in this case (and no Jar jar binks).
In recent years the “Shining” series of games have become awful (well the ones that came out over here a lot stayed in the US/Japan, but going off reviews we haven’t missed much.)
Or maybe it is that the company that made them (they have gone by a few names, but are known as Camelot software planing) are afraid of the likes of Disgaea, Fire emblem, Advance/whatever Wars and Final Fantasy Tactics.
Ok maybe not some of them as they are shite, but Disgaea shows us how its done thanks to the amount of stats adding that will make Carol Vordaman confused, character building that will make a weekend company course look crap and the longevity of a book that makes you forget you read it at the end of it.(very handy unless its crap).
Its that good. Ok its story and settings are a lot more varied than Shining Force (Netherworld, Earth, Space and some dungeons), but at least the characters are different and above all else ITS FUNNY! Humour is something that is lacking from a lot of games these days and this game has loads of it, but its not something that you can just complete and put it to one side. Its something that will eat up your spare time and has that old “One more go thing”
For something a bit more Shining force like Id suggest you try some thing like Fire Emblem and Final Fantasy tactics.
But in the eyes of me. The eyes of the one that writes these damn things so my eyes are the most important to me.
DISGAEA IS THE BEST OF THEM! There are others in the series, but I feel that the first is best. Heck even Nippon Ichis other SRPG out put is great. Makai Kingdom is a great SRPG with out the grid, but still keeping it. In a bizarre way. Tis is the type of progress that is wanted. Heck even the storyline is nuts(main character becomes a book to save him self from dying and trys to regain his own power).
Ok I admit I had fun with some of the spin off’s like Shining the Holy ark and errr.
OK THATS THE ONLY ONE!
Ok Wisdom was fun in a Zelda rip off way. I stopped caring when Sega stopped releasing them over here.
So a plea to Sega and Camelot software planing. PLEASE MAKE MORE SHINING FORCE! Ok at least give us a translated version of Shining force three.


TL: DR
SHINING FORCE WHERE?

Next weeks Moan shall be a video one.

Thingy

Ok to people that are reading this.
Do you have a blog?
Do you want a few extra views?
Do you want a page on my site?(New-Tabs.com)
Contact me and ill sort it

Deus EX perfect? MY ARSE!

Ok so bare with me on this. Here’s a moan about a perfect game or games.

Now they will be about the games I will call the best they are at what they do. Well in my eyes anyway.

What’s gonna be the first up in my eyes?

Well its critically acclaimed shooter

Deus EX

This game has a load of problems with it, but is perfect and one that don't have to many trying to be it. Why I do not know. It had a sequel that was not as bad as people say (there are worse RPG/FPS games out there). Its a really good game in its own right and a third in making, but I know little about it apart that my PC wont handle it. Ok this is about the first.

To give you a idea about the game and why its good in one sentence its like this -

Mod your self up, read objective, do it how ever you want, the more you play the more things you find to do.

Sounds great huh?

You can read reviews that talk about what’s great about it so here is what’s I hate about it.

There are going to be spoilers in this post for the game, but if you haven’t played it yet go and play it now.

The PS2 version.

They tried, oh boy they tried, but the PS2 lost some things (like the controls) and gain some others (annoying loading times). Its a good thing to start with, but feels a bit enclosed and not as open as the PC version. Still worth checking out.

The lack of pad support.

I don't know why they can't just let you use one, but a game like this isn’t really suited to a pad. Still my half pads half game control’s would be great for it.

The story.

Not one of its strongest points. As a matter of fact its flat and been done before.

Death seems to come all to easy.

Ok this is meant to make it a bit more realistic, but on easy?

Getting tranquillised.

This is really annoying. It does not effect the CPU like it does the player. Heck the CPU can keep shooting that crap into you while you try to shoot back.

Quick save

This is a game breaker. You can do a quick save at any time as soon after the other as you want. This can take out some of the risks in experimenting and experimenting is what this games all about. Add in a save anywhere any time thing and its ruined.

None of your decisions effect the out come of the game.

Ok so threw out the game you can make decisions about what to do.(like on the first bit you can tell Gunter to stay put or give him a gun to kill people). Nothing else really happens. It is not talked about at all afterwards.

The last bit of the game.

You slog all the way threw, make loads of decisions and at the end its all down to doing one of three things to see the end and it all feels a bit rushed.

Some of the voice acting.

Ok Annas voice made me have a special feeling, but we’re talking lame here. At least there was now annoying ones. It was just more wooden than a lumber yard.

The soddign name.

“Deus EX” Bloody rubbish. Why the “EX?” Sounds like people are trying to say “Do ya sex”

So there you have it. Damn fine game with a load of flaws. Do they spoil it?

Do they smeg

And in closing ill just leave this here

Kinecting the spam

Wow to early moans in the past few weeks. This is mainly because I have been in the mood earlier than usual. So what’s got me “Getting my moan on” this week to the extent that I am doing it early?

Well its the following.....

Ok so the Kinect is out soon. Excited for it? I tell you what it looks promising. If you are blind, but if you are blind what are you doing reading this? (unless its the future and this is a brail screen)Well that is if you have the room for it and looking at my small council flat I don't. Well its not like I was gonna buy it anyway, but what it a new bit of hardware with out games? I tell ya what it is “Useless”, but what are these games that will make us have to move our furniture to play it? Well here it is THE LIST OF DRED and it seems to be THE LAW that they fill it up with the kind of crap that was out on the Wii about five years ago.

• Kinect Adventures (Good Science Studio/Microsoft) – You know the one that uses that shitty little boat? THIS IS IT! Off to a good start then

• Kinectimals (Frontier/Microsoft) – Nintendogs the full version only with a Tiger to show kids that Tigers make good pets.

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1 The Video game (EA/EA Bright Light) – The trend that is Harry potter is not dead yet. Just festering in sell out heaven

• Dance Central (MTV Games/Harmonix) – Gamespam its arse anyway.

• Your Shape: Fitness Evolved (Ubisoft) - For people that live in dodgy neighbourhoods that want to get fit. THIS IS FOR YOU!

• The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout (THQ) – To easy. NEXT!

• Kinecting pornstar (LulZ inc) – DERP!

• EA Sports Active 2 (EA Sports) - Piss off EA

• Zumba Fitness (Majesco) – Why not make it “Zombie fitness”? Think about it. You are the zombie trying to stop your limbs from falling or getting shot off. Dodge those bullets (inc bullet time)

• Get Fit With Mel B (Black Bean Games/Lightning Fish) – Lets face it. She needs the money

• DanceEvolution (Konami) – Why Konami? MAKE A NEW GEOMON GAME!

• Dance Paradise (Mindscape/Smackdown Productions) – More acting like a prat on camera

• Kinect Sports (Rare/Microsoft) – Oh Rare. What have you become? You have lost what made you great.

• MotionSports (Ubisoft) – Whoopee a sports game. How unique.

• Sports Island Freedom (Konami/Hudson Soft) - Well at least it isn’t a forced motion Bomberman.

• Kinect British isles sports – Ok I come up with this one, but why no games based on our odd sports? Chase the Cheese would be hard to do

• Kinect Joy Ride (Big Park/Microsoft) – Will it come with a “hotwire ya own ride” option?

• Fighters Uncaged (Ubisoft) – Or the one that might end up in a punch up if your both drunk.

• Sonic Free Riders (Sega) – Look something that is different

• Crossboard (Konami) – Oh wait maybe not. Ok this is snowboarding.

And lastly

Game Party in Motion – Saved this one till last as it has a list of other games on it. Notably these...

• Darts – Note you don't have to look like a darts player to play. Id be interested to see how this works. What with being somebody that plays darts (not very well).

• Horseshoe Hysteria – Id prefer the noble sport of Welly Wanging.

• Root Beer Tapper – TAPPER!! Teach your kids to pull pints from the safety of your own home. Ok maybe not. Strange that this is the only game in this entire line up that I wouldn’t mind playing.

There you have it. Its a line up alright. A line up of shit and that’s not a nice line up un less you are a scat fan. If you are you are one sick werido (note I didn't mean the music type of scat). As far as “Motion control’s” go it certainly isn’t a moving line up for those of us that like a little depth to our games. Or a story of sorts. Heck even Pong had a story line (Left player is being tormented by the right and is trying to get his revenge by batting a spiky ball at him), but these games? NONE!

Not even a simple one. Heck the only game for it that looks interesting is that “Child of Eden” and the best thing is IT CAN BE PLAYED WITH A PAD!. There was also a announcement of Steel Battalion for it.

Yeah right.

From 30 buttons and a man sized controller to NONE and fannying about in mid air pretending to be piloting a mech.

Screw you Capcom. Make a decent sequel and some way of using that manly controller on the 360.

The Kinect is going to be like the Wii. Fun for a short while, but where are the decent games? Heck WHERE ARE THE ONES THAT CANB BE CALLED “GAMES”?

Also I saw that on Opreah (don't watch it only read about it)she gave them away to her “Fans” they will probably the worst people to give a bit of tech to as they will probably be the type of people that don't own a 360. Or know how to wire one up. So they will be seen down the pawn shop flogging it off. Bit like the rest of them in a few weeks .

TL;DR

Buy it this is the games thing for somebody with the attention span such as yours

Copy pasta

Medal of Honor the new one till the next then?

Look at the box art thingy

Now look at the posters for Duke Nukem Forever

Runing out of ideas EA? Or are you trying to copy the awsomeness that is Dukes arse that you can kiss when this game comes out (finally)

Ye Legende of ye Moaning sod

Ye Legende of ye Moaning sod

Long ago there existed nothing. Just a empty space. This space was soon to be filled up like a virgin taking her first bit of action, but unlike her it was to be filled up with crap. Like the mentioned crap, this crap is like a Wii games display in somewhere like Game. There is lots of bad crap and little good crap and a few black-holes that suck. One tiny insignificant part of this space will soon be taken up by a planet called “Earth” this is the place where lots of shit happens. Where a race of beings called “Homosapains” (some more homo than others) that evolved from slime (some still are slime) and decided that some will be arseholes to each other. Said arsehole probably got into shit for it and probably ended up as shit in the ground when they died. In ide them all something was crawling inside. Something that is still there to this day.

Skip forward a few thousand years as most of the rest of them had to much shit to list. To the 80s a decade full of shit. Some good shit (Atari 2600 yo) some bad shit (some of them songs) and at the end of the first year of that decade of shit I was born I am still unsure if I am good shit or bad shit.

That thing mentioned in the last paragraph is also inside me.

It crawls round inside.

It is that being that comes out in the words of this here blog.

That thing is

Ye Moaning sod

A being of hostility to all things rubbish and annoying in games and life. He wants them to stop, but it is a never ending quest as he will always find something new to complain about.

He is described as a large troll like being with hair that dangles like a shredded shower curtain. With what looks like the bristles of a paint brush on his chin. His fashion sense is like the decade he is from. He is normally a nice bloke, until he “Gets his moan on” then you don't wanna be round him as shit will fly.

Ok just the words. A load of words. Some times pictures

Ch-ch-ch-changes

About time I got my arse in gear and changed the look of this site.

Why wood?

WOOD IS GOOD!

Plus it looks like I am in a shead

Thing of the moment

I was really not in the mood for gaming shit like this, but here I go.

Remember when Microsoft said "No controller for Kinect"?
Well here is something that is just the thing that they siad was not going to be done, but some faggy little third party comapny went and did it anyway for shites and money.

A soding dingy for those with no dignity

What the red ring of satan after he has pooped out some razor wire is this shit? Well there blurb says the following.....

Game Boat™ is de facto the first accessory for the
peripheral which doesn't need any. The first product in the Play On™ line-up brings the entertainment of Kinect Adventures™ game out of the tv set, directly in your living room! Game it Real™ ! With this real-size replica of Kinect Adventures™'s awesome dinghy .
Size: 150 x 150 cm. Ideal to comfortably play in 2 gamers simultaneously, still without being clumsy in the living room.
Easily inflated in a few minutes through the practical pump (included). Game Boat™ can also be used in the watyr, at the sea or at the pool, by children and adults.

They say that I say its one of those cheap arse little inflatables that you can get from those little beach huts or Arogs for a few quid.

You know what they can do with this shite?

DO YOU!

YES YOU DO!

Inflate the boat then go out to sea in a storm and get lost at sea. htis is the type of shite we expect on the Wii not the 360.

If you are curious to want one here is a link to the site for it

But dont come crying to me when your pussy pops the damn thing.

FECK OFF 3D

Okm so I was srcolling threw Showcase cinemas up coming attractions to see if there are any films that I will facny going to see (that place needs a loyalty card) and come accross the following.

AND I QUOTE..

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, NOW IN 3D

Times: 12.00 Midnight
Director: George Romero
Runtime: 96 minutes
Cert: 18

SUMMARY
Ben (Duane Jones) and Barbara (Judith O'Dea) battle constant attacks from dead locals who have been brought back to life by mysterious radiation. The film is about their efforts, along with five other people, to survive the night while trapped in a rural Pennsylvania farmhouse. 'Night of the Living Dead, Now in 3D' is the original version of the 1968 thriller directed by George Romero and is now fully restored and in 3D

(Also realated to the recent Star Wars re-re-re-release news)

Why the fugging smeging Satans sweatty pants in hell are they doing this shite? NOT EVERY FILM SHOULD BE IN 3D!

Do what happend with the recent back to the future and have a normal release. This 3D anal leakage of a cat with gut problems is getting out of hand. WAY OUT OF HAND! STOP IT! Really! Think of those people that where glasses. I don't know how they cope. 3D should of stayed dead back in the 80s. the reason why films like these where good is that they are untouched classics. Heck the film in question was black and while (later coloured in).

Ok people probably felt the same with the Black and white one becoming colour and I still stand by my and loads of others opinion that the black and white version is better. Whats next? HD? With added owl? Kids version (yeah right).

Ok so the midnight showing is a great idea for a film like this (not my local its not a nice aera at 1am), but why 3D? Its becomeing like a cancer. Look at home 3D set ups. You have to remain sitting up right and still. Bollocks to that.

You want to watch it.

Watch it as it was intended.

Ok via Youtube

But dim the lights. Failing that get ya hammer. Or squint

Farce training

Ok so get this. I have been watching a lot of TV on Youtube. 4OD seem to have a lot of great old TV programs (and a load of shite) so in the past week I have watched a few series from my childhood (Ok I was not the target audience) and in them there are adverts, lots of adverts and they are often repeated. Ok so they have to pay the bills somehow and some are kinda funny. ONCE!, but im not going to moan about them I am going to focus on one thing that was advertised in them. No not the new Fifa. It is a Dsi game. No its not one you think its this.




What the fug? A game that trains you face? Why?
What kind of mindless drones buy this shite? Well ill tell you. Its those “Norms” that got there DS for that “Brain Training” game. Why would you want to train your face unless you are that shallow in which case you will probably use all those creams and crap you find in most girls bathrooms. What’s the point of it? It just seems to be another one of those things that I would feel sorry to call “A game”, but think of it like this. Those “Norms” probably will buy it over something that can be called “A game” Heck it even comes with a stand to put it on. What about those with a massive face? Will they have sit sit away from it so they cant read the text on screen? They could at least try to make it into a game, but id have no idea how a high score board on it will work? Will it time how long you can hold a face breaking smile?
I mean look at Brain training. It at least had some kind of interactivity on it. This thing all you do is put it down and look at it. If I wanted to look at a DS screen Id put a video on it. If I wanted to practice my smile id watch some thing funny.
Sod this spamware shite

Heres one thing you can do when you see it
1- Look confused
2- Shake head
3- FacePalm

Coming soon
Handtraining
"How to train your hands to play games"

Wow the move sells well

Mean while at the ques for PS3s move

FPS Hell 4

Ok there has been a lack of content on here of late. I was going to make up some fancy arsed excuse, but that would be my equivalent of “The dog ate it”. Damn them internet dogs. There a load of woofters and there barking up the wrong tree, ok that’s enough of the doggy puns. The bottom line is “I couldn't be arsed” and that’s the bottom line cause I say so. Also did you read the tweet from last Friday?
To quote Michael Cole (WWE) “and I quote”

I dont think I shld of listend 2 Auralmoon ths close 2 writing ths weeks moan i'm 2 RELAXED!!! FUNK YEAH PROG ROCK!!

(don't worry not all are like that)
I need to be aggressive to do these things you know. Also a lot of tea helps and I was running low on LANCASHIRE TEA bags (there’s a plug). Ill work on a video on how to moan when I can be arsed. Anyway that’s enough of that on to this weeks moan. I had a few ideas for this weeks (the spice will flow), but instead I am going to be finishing off my “FPS Hell” one. There might be more at later dates, but ill keep them as a suprise.
So lastly this one is going to be about the universal debate about them and that is “What is the better control scheme?”
What am I talking about? Well here it is.
- PC users say “Mouse and keyboard” and for slower paced games (Portal, Deus EX) I tend to agree, but my set up is a bit different as my PC is not tied to a desk (its on a tea trolley)and I use a trackball (its bloody great for internets). I don't use wireless parts as for some bloody reason they refuse to work in this flat. On the PC front I did do a strange configuration for some of my games that was “Half pad half keyboard” I used this on Portal and the pad (360) replaced the mouse and felt quite good. Sadly not all games have the “edit control’s” option that goes as deep as that. It was great thought.
- Console users say “Duel analogue sticks” is the best. This is great for fast paced games. Think of us poor sods that remember playing on NON ANALOG PADS! Yeah us that played Doom on the SNES and Zero Tolerance on the Mega Drive did so with out them. This was ok thought as one of the things I like to say is “A game is best made when its made to suit the controller” and these did. Ok so these games didn’t really make full use of looking up and down (ZT did let you look up. Don't know why as there was nothing up there) and weapon cycling can be a pain (there was one that let you bind a weapon to a button cant remember its name). So yes for some games this works better, wait for almost all games this works well, but let me throw you a “Curve ball” (baseball turm I have picked up on even if I do think its a tarted up “Rounders”) and say this.
- N64 pad. Oh yes the N64 had loads of shooters. It was the 360 of two gens ago, but then the FPS games where at least “Decent” and it had Turok 2, Perfect Dark and Forsaken ( the PSOne had that one as well, but the N64 on is better). This controller pattern kinda copy’s the keyboard way. This is great till your analogue stick becomes “loose” then you are nackerd.
- Wiimote/Move YOU SIR ARE A IDIOT! That’s all that can be said to them
I think the pad/keyboard and mouse one is best put into practice with official top game “Deus EX” (if you haven’t played it you don't have a opinion on FPS'. Ot bad I didn't write this a few months back as it was on “Steam” for three quid and you got the sequel that isn't as good, but still better than most FPS games). It is out on PS2 and PC annnnnnnd I wont do that comparison thing on here I will save it for my main site as there are a lot of changes to the PS2 version. The second one feels a lot more console friendly.
There is no true winner in the control’s argument as its down to the game that your playing with them and how well it has been changed for the console. If you need to go into different menus quite fast the PC way is best, where as its a bollocks to it shoot everything orgy of death with things flying at you I will say pad.

TLDR
Hmm how to shorten this? Control’s depend on the user and game. There is no winner.


One last thing to be said.
Do gun games (House of the dead/Virtua Cop/Ghost squad)c ount as First person shooters? As you are seeing them as if you are looking threw the eyes of the player. Ok I will settle for “On rails FPS” but they can be fun.

mini moan 1

Mini moan time. The FPS one will continue next week.
Gaming events are nice, but expensive and socail.
Enjoy your online gaming

FPS hell 3

Well come to this part (huh huh part) of my “FPS HELL!” thingy.
Here is one particular annoyance for me in these games. Yet again it can be applied to some other games.
Ill start with a flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Playing Halo.(yeah this game comes up a lot)
Walking round taking things out with my rifle thing. I go to where they all died and spot a rather handy “Big gun”, but I cant carry it. So I am left with holding a rifle and a shitty pistol.
This fills me full of rage. I know they are trying to keep it real, but ITS A SCI-FI SHOOTER! Sod realism. It gets in the way yet again. ITS A GAME! SET ON A FICTIONAL PLANET! SHOOTING AT FICTIONAL ALIENS! Frak it. In Turok, Serious Sam, Painkiller and EVEN ZELDA! You could hold some stupidly big weapons and where do they keep-em? In that little pocket? In Sams case I think that is implausible as his jeans are tight, Turok? Well its been shown that he keeps them in his pouch that’s like a TARDIS only without time travel.
This is also one of my gripes about Deus EX everything is stored in a item menu and I mean EVERYTHING! So it fills up quite fast. Do you discard a gun as you no longer get ammo for on a regular basis? Or trade it for a different one? Well my recent game of it I have tried to stick to the same ones, but now I am out of rifle ammo. I don't wanna chuck the damn thing away as its been upgraded and has been my best friend since the start.
The less said about Resident Evil the better, but the fourth and fifth had a decent compromise and made it like a frozen game of Tetris with stupid peace’s that aren’t made of four squares. Ok bad example you know what I mean (I hope).
I know these things are ment to be making us pick our weapons seriously, but if you are me you like “A little something for every occasion” or a big ROCKETLUUUUANCHERRRR!! just to aim at peoples arse and inject them with a large insertion of steel love that may go off inside them filling them full of loveable hate that spews out on people near by so they to can feel my big rocket of love as well. (wait what?)

Watch the following video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dsWO6OZufw

Ok they are all smaller guns, but add a backpack on him and he can carry even more.
ITEM SLOTS DONT EFFECT REAL LIFE!!

TLDR
Bloody hate damn item slots makes me want to fill there “item slots” with my fist

FPS Hell 2

Welcome to FPS hell
PART errr what comes after 1?
Here’s another thing that annoys me. Its not just about FPS games, its about games in general, but mostly about FPS'.
It is forced driving, turret and ONLY DO THIS sections. There are a few major culprits of these most notably Half Life 2 (OI STOP THAT BOOING ITS NOT PERFECT!) I mean look at it. Its a game about shooting not driving as the control’s where meant for shooting. You don't buy a racing game and expect to get out and “pop-a-cap” in the driver in fronts tires do you? Ok Lucky and Wild aside. I know they are trying to spice things up a bit, but when the car handles like a slug on ice (ORIGINAL IDEA DO NOT STEAL!) it makes it feel just damn wrong if they are to have these vehicle sections let us be where ever we want. One the first annoyances of this for me was in the first Halo. Being forced to take the wheel when a nupty took control of the gun and got us shot to fug while I tried to steer the damn thing threw a narrow corridor and later on in the game where I have to do that get out of the place before it blows up thing that HAS BEEN DONE TO DEATH AND CAN BE ANNOYING IF SOME BUGGER IS SCREAMING AT ME TO HURRY UP! On second thoughts knowing the CPUs Ai id be better off as the driver as he might just end up driving into a wall or worse still into a damn pitfall leaving my cursing his name as we plunge into the depths of the “Restart at last check point” message. Even worse than that is underwater/space bits so now we have a new axes to annoy us. No longer confined to over there and that way we now have up there and down there as well and to make things worse if you bump into things you get damage. Why can't they just give us the option of “Riding shotgun” and shooting stuff. Surely those that like these sections are those with short attention spans that like to see all those explosions and pretty colours.
Turrets in games can be annoyances as well.
Think of it like this. From moving round dodging bullets to being stuck on the spot moving a cursor round and holding fire and getting shot some new holes. Worse still is when its on a moving thing in some car chase in space thing or if it has some kind of “heat” gauge that likes to fill up very fast so you are left standing there behind a load of temporary useless metal and being used as a place to hold freshly used rounds/bullets. These are favoured by noobs until they get taken out by a sniper, throw a fit and rage quit.
Lastly for this weeks part (huh huh part) we have those sections where you are forced to do something in the way the game wants it. Half Life 2 part 2s last section springs to mind as one of these bits (look it up). Destroy these tripod things with sticky bombs that have a rubbish firing ark. Why not give me a ROCKET LUANCHAIR!! and enough ammo to take out every ant in the world twice (ok over kill alert) worse still is force fed sniper sections ok so for the most part this is now I like to kill things, from the distance and unseen, but slap on a time limit and limited ammo and “Shakey vision” and you got me getting pissed off at the gunner for being a prick. Wait that s me?
Ok then getting pissed over the annoying well trained marine that has shakey hands due to all those years of UZI abuse. A ADDITCION THAT MUST BE STOPPED!
Bit like these forced driving sections

FPS - Hell 1

So welcome to what will be a few weeks of posts about what I hate about a lot of these newer First Person Shooters. In the coming weeks there will be moans about each one of there little annoyance that make me question “Why am I playing this shit?”

This one is going to be about the backbone of them, the thing you see the most, the thing you like when you get more ammo for it, the thing that’s banned in this country. Yes its the guns.
Guns are great in games. As in games we can shoot big meaty guns with no kick back. Think about it if you fire one of these “Big guns” with out bracing your self the backfire will send you flying backwards (or break your shoulder in some cases). Ok Namco started a little something with there Time Crisis gun. It had kinda realistic backfire what with the whole chamber sliding back on every shoot. Then Sega did something a bit bigger with GunBlade them guns felt like you where holing a box of vibrators all set on full. Now days we have these little controllers that just shake a bit. More annoying than real, but if you are like me you probably turn it off anyway.

There is also the feel of them. I like a big meaty feel to them when I decide to shoot them. Like the feeling oh “Ouch that’s gotta hurt” GIVE THEM MEAT AND WE WILL probably be wondering “What is this meat firing gun?”. Actually that’s a good idea. A gun that fires out bits of meat. Wait that’s a stupid idea.

Now the design of guns is getting lazy. These newer games tend to make them fall into several types mainly-
Hand to hand – Fists/knifes.
Pistol/handgun – You tend to start with these pea shooters.
Sub machine gun/Uzi – Load of ammo wasted.
Shotgun – If you snipe with one of these your a big stupid doo doo head.
Rifle – Your long distance lover
Rocket launcher – Loads of area damage
Granted most people like to feel familiar with what they shoot, but when there’s loads of games out there that just use the same guns. This is annoying to someone like me as I like to use different things.
Here’s a little list my most memorable guns.
Cerebral Bore – Turok 2 – It drills into the heads of things its fired at and brain matter leaks out. Absolutely terrifying in multi player.
Electro Driver – Painkiller – It fires electricity and shurikens nuff said.
Painkiller – Painkiller – Both in your face and long distance in one. Spinning blades of death that can be fired out. Its alt firing is like Scorpions harpoon more.
BFG9000 – DOOM – This gun is like a tentacle monster in one of those Hentai films IT FUCKS EVERYTHING!
Nuclear rabbits – Shadow Warrior – See above, but add a tiny little bunny ears.
Freeze ray – Duke Nukem 3D – Dose exactly what it says on the tin.
Shrinker – Duke Nukem 3D – Shrink them then crush them.
Gravity gun – Half life 2 – Ok it isn’t really any good unless you add something to it.
Far sight – Perfect Dark – See threw walls? SHOOT THREW THEM!
Crossbow thingy – Strangers Wrath – Its all about the ammo and this guns ammo has personality.
Vuvuzella – Doom – Technically not a gun but great for annoying things to death.
Chainsaw luncher – My brain – Think about it for a minute
These are off the top of my head. If I did a bit of research for these things I could probably say a load more.
The old traps of the same weapon different game MUST BE STOPPED! As a matter of fact one of the things that made Halo good was its alien weapons.

TLDR
Rifles, pistols and uzis are boring try attaching things to them to make them funny.

Leaps of argh!

Well its time!
Its time for a long over due update.
So for this weeks moan I have found ANOTHER THING I hate about 2D plat-formers and this is one thing that I have yet to see in a 3D one (probably due to me hating 3D plat-formers). So what is this thing? Well first I will tell you a short story of some plat-former that I played ages ago
So there I was doing the running and jumping and doing quite well until I saw that there was no more platforms in front of me. Ok this was one of those simple ones where I could only go forward so I took a leap of faith and oh look I missed the platform and fell to my death. YES!
This weeks moan is about “leaps of faith”
The are put in games by lazy developers to make them more challenging, but in my eyes they are lazy bastards. Its best to be able to see where you are going isn’t it?
In the past ok I admit they had hardware limits and couldn’t do some fancy zooming, but come on at least give us a hint as to where it is so we can at least judge it.
Sonic 2 had a bad one on the mine level where if you failed to jump over a pit you fell onto a load of spikes, if you had some skill (you would of missed it) you could keep collecting your dropped rings and live on.
Put it this way its a annoying trend that has to be stopped.
Its good to have a challenging game.
Its not good to be lazy with the level design.

Apollogys

Damn life it seems to be getting in the way of these moans.
Yeah I have not wrote any out for last and this week due to "Things on my mind"
Normal service shall resume soon

EBay? THIS IS MARKET!

You know what here's another gaming related thing that makes me want to get my moan on and it starts with a little story flashback thing.

So I was on a local market the other day on the look out for the usual games related bargains to be had. I had already got a few cheap games off someone and on another somewhat empty stall I spotted a boxed up Sega Saturn (mark 1 can tell by the some what battered box) and a boxed wheel and four games (The ones that are not hard to get). So naturally I ask “How much is that games machine?”
Now stand by the next line will shock you.
“£90”
“That's a bit to much” standard reply from me on over priced things like that.
“Well that's what it goes for on Ebay”
And there you have it
Its the “Internet/Ebay” excuse for pushing the price up to more than it is I mean Saturn's don't go for that much with that amount of games.
What are these people on?
IF YOU WANT EBAY PRICESE SELL ON EBAY and then you will see that its over priced. This isn't the first time that the Ebay excuse has happened to me. Another one was a few years ago on a car boot some where in North Wales I spotted a Atari 2600 (Junior) it had its box (no inserts, very tatty and torn) and a copy of Combat I as always wnet over to have a look at it. Cue some scrawny little sod that smelled of cigarettes.
“Oh sure have a look” “These things are getting hard to come by”
I ask “How much”
He says “£100”
As I turn around and walk away I hear him say “That's cheaper than it goes for on the internet” (this was before Ebay became a house hold name and everywhere had the internet)
I just waved over my shoulder and wandered off.
It seems like “The internet/Ebay” excuse is used by clueless morons that don't really have a clue what there selling. Fair enough they are trying to make money off people that seem like they don't know what there buying (note I do try to sound like a numpty), but at that price off a market seller?
How do I know it works? Its not like I can see it working or know there address.
These people are probably not even going to be on the same stall next week,
So here's my wise cracking lines to answer back to these people.

Say this “Well if this was that would be a bargain” For extra effect slap on a bit of slang from that decade or say “Is that in Yen?”
“That's what it goes for on ebay/internet”
There's a few for this one “Well sell it on there then” is one “Do you take Paypal?” That could go wrong if they say “Yes” or you could go to the extreme if you have a internet connection to hand and show them they are wrong.
Or you could just say “You sir are a idiot”
As these people are idiots.

The Moaners new clothes

Well its time to get my moan on. This one is only video game related and a bit of a short one.
Well in the past week I decided that I needed some new clothes as I have had the same ones for years. So I went online (don't judge me on this local places are to expensive) and low and behold video games T-Shirts (there's the related thing). One thing annoyed me about them and it is this.
The Faded look.
Why would anyone want to pay a tenner for what looks like a second hand t-shirt? I mean back when I last got a load of T-shirts they looked new and some still do to this day and that's how I like to buy new clothes. You know LOOKING NEW!
To me this looks like a fashion trend that was forced upon us as now I cant find a decent new looking shirt (dropping the “T” from now on) Ok its great for those that try to blag that they have been into for years, buts what's wrong with a shirt looking new? I ain't paying silly money for clothes that looks second hand when I would be better off trying my luck in second hand/charity shops. Granted they don't have the same selection and its all down to luck but still IF I WANT SECOUND HAND LOOKING CLOTHES ID BUY THEM FROM THERE!!

The death of the normal console

Well its about time I did a moan like this. This weeks moan is going to be about the death of what you can call a classicy made console and by that I mean in terms of the main game storage means and that its a games console and that's it, nothing else.
In the past games consoles where simple things. Buy game, plug in, play (not forgetting to pick up the damn pad and turn the TV on the right channel) these days you can buy the game and install I. Or buy game and download it or buy game online. It seems that the old way of just buying a game for a recent console is gone. I mean look at the trouble I had with Super Street Fighter 4
>Try to play on my 360.
>Four red lights (check TV cable)
>Arse around with VGA cable for five minutes whilst stating my hatred for modern day consoles.
>Finally get the damn thing to work.
>Put in Super Street Fighter 4 disc
>Updates.(I haven't take it online or bought a recent game in years)
>Wait ten minutes for them to install
>Start game
>You need to make a avatar
At this point im starting to get pissed off as I just wanna play the damn game
>Quickly make one
>Start game
>Asks if im online
>MORE SODDING RAGE!!
>Finally play the damn game

Yeah that. I realise that if I did buy a few new games the update thing wouldn't be a problem, but it shouldn't be this much hassle to play a game.
Now with E3 just finished there's even more gaming related crap that's gonna make the simple joys of sitting on the couch pad in hand a thing of the past. What's wrong with that? THATS THE WAY WE LIKE IT! We are not all these damn idiots that thing that shite like Wiifit is a game and think that “I really do have to buy that plastic attachment to enjoy this game” I blame the Wii.
So what do I think was the last traditional “Plug in and enjoy” console? In my eyes that was the PS2 sure it had stuff like a hard drive, internet gaming and that Eyetoy, but it wasn't shoved into our faces and the hard drive didn't even make it over to the UK(It left us with a massive hole to fill in the back its a great place to put your memory cards). The Eyetoy was fun for a bit, but all you where doing was flailing your arms round like Kermit the frog when he's running away from Ms Piggy when she has her rape face on with a dilldo and lube. Annnnnnnnnnyway moving on think about it (not the ms Piggy thing unless that floats your boat you dirty fecker. It would be like tossing a sausage down a alleyway). Any way back ON TOPIC NO MORE MS PIGGY SHES A MUPPET!! Yeah the PS2 traditional games that where mostly about single player or local multi-player. There was no download only games, there was no installing (only via homebrew), no updating the system. It was simple and THATS HOW I LIKE IT!
The only thing I didn't like was the look of it, but I torched on that in “Console arseytechture”
These days they are more like PCs only without the need for upgrading or the risk of viruses (SHUT IT MACFAGS!) and have to many expensive crappy add-ons. The installing thing is ok, but it isn't the same feeling as getting the game off the shelf and putting it into the drive/slot and sitting down pad in hand and enjoy.
Thanks for reading

Moanin about E3 Ubisoft

Ok Ubisoft time
Start up with Child Eden a REZ sequel of sorts. I will start by saying that it is not like REZ as it isn't as musical. People that played the first REZ will know that shots fired in REZ kinda match the music, in this it doesn't. Probably wont be as good. Even if it looks more sparkly Kinda akin to a Jeff Minter game. Wasn't the first by Sega anyway?
Assassins Creed Brotherhood - So this one is going to be more about online gubins and less about single player? Yay FMV as most people haven't had enough of this already. Building story up is probably best for people that end up buying the game. Ok so now some of the game in play. There's a bit with a canon that seems a bit annoying. So yeah it is more of the same game wise
ShaunWhite – Open with something that looks like a trainer advert. Que talking about Mr Whites life THIS ISNT A FUCKING INTERVIEW SHOW SOME GAMES! It seems like a good idea with some-kind of skateboard of joy making a dull world fun and a game that transforms as you play seems good.
Que some people from a local Laser Quest wandering round it is in-fact something called “Battle Tag” “The thing you guys have been waiting for”? Didn't Sega do a home laser quest with the Lock-on? This seems like fun and yet probably will only be so for a few minutes
Que some more tat. Something to help you breathe pass
Motion Sports – Didn't I do this one already? Yes I think I did. PASS!
You know what's great about not watching these live?
I CAN SKIP THEM!
New Rayman Rabbits game – DONT CARE!
Ghost Reckon – YARGABLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Driver – FMV REALLY!! Unlike in the Need for speed game this is more like a chase game as there are cars in the way. Heck its more like a city. It could be interesting.
Project Dust – Nice FMV bro needs some of the game in play.
Rayman - Funny intro. 2D GAME!!! it works best as 2D well Rayman 3 was ok, but felt a bit broken. I shall look forward to this till it becomes a download only then I AM DISAPPONT!
Mainaplanet – User created games are always hit and miss, but I am interested in this as I like to make things
Michael Jackson – Urgh they really should of made this a lot sooner. Ok its not a game WHATS IT DOING IN E3??

Overall the Ubisoft one was average, but at least unlike the other ones this was more or less games with a bit of crap

Moanin about E3 - EA

Ok its EA time.
I have a history of hate with them as they embody everything I hate about the games industry. So expect me to hate every damn thing they show.
Opens with FMV no surprises there and it turns out to be a new Need for Speed game. “Take it back to its routes” “Re-imagen” Urgh hate it already. Never got on with the need for speed games and this looks like it wont change things. Que waiting for it to load then a FMV sequence that EA loves. While I admit that the idea of taking part in a car chase seems good. Where are the other cars on the road? Why not have traps in the cop car to get them? A spike trap would probably make it more fun.
“Need for speed is back” did it ever go away?
I'm quoting this “Ten great games from ten great company's” Expect shit. Ok maybe not as much if it was “Ten great games from EA” as we all know these company's that make games for EA can make good ones. Then EA comes along and tells them to “Hurry up” and take stuff out so they can add it as a download later.
Dead space 2. I am not going to criticise a game series that I haven't played, ok maybe a little. It seems to have FMV coming out all over the place. To me it just looks like another over the shoulder shooter.
Medal of honor. It leaves World War two as they have done it to death (why always the damn Americans?) and goes to the middle east. Wooo there's some thing new. I covered this in the Sony one.
Battlefield Bad company Vietnam expansion pack. Was met wit ha solitary clap. What's up US? Still pissed off about Nam? Talking about download only stuff SCREEEEEEEEEEW YOOOU EA!
MMA – Two fighters have signed up so far I look forward to a Street Fighter character select screen. Live broadcasting seems like a good idea. With people to criticise your fights. Just hope the game ends up being good other wise this “idea” will bomb faster than .
EA sports Active 2 – To easy PASS! (But lol multi Platform).
Madden NFL – Ill pass. Id be more interested if it wasn't such a rubbish sport.
Sims 3 – Or Big Brother the game. Both are boring shit. Why is he comparing Greek gods to “The Sims”? Note no video footage just pictures if I wanted to see pictures of a game id read a magazine. PASS!
More FPS talk. Great isn't it?
Cyrsis 2 – Why are they showing promo artwork? Oh finally in game footage. iphone adds in game? While I will say that the cinematics look good that's all they do. Oh goody here's more of it with more slow motion than that nipple slip bit in that film with that lass.
Bullet storm – Wooo a FPS. Urgh art work of the game. ACTION IS BETTER!! Looks like they have Dukes mighty boot only powered up a touch. It looks like it might be fun if it had a “Shut the hell up” button as where as the mentioned Duke spoke he didn't have verbal diarrhoea. Looks like the type of game that will get boring quite quickly.
Star Wars the new game – Yawn More FMV with slow motion.

In closing the EA one had lots of pretty pictures. That is not what people go to a show to see as its not a art gallery and a over use of FMV where as this makes a good movie it makes a lousy game. It EA one was not as bad as the Sony one it was still rubbish.

Moaning about E3 - Microsoft

So then MicroSoft.
There's starts with stuff blowing up. Then it switches to ANOTHER WAR THEAMED SHOOTER!!
Ill pass, as I really cant be arsed with another copy paste shooter. Oh wait I can pass as im not watching this one live.
Ahhh thats better “Looks absolutely stunning” MY NICELY ROUNDED ARSE IT DOSE!! It looks the fucking same. oh look the guy on stage is going on about DLC BEFORE THE GAME IS OUT! Why not PUT IT ON THE BLOODY DISC?
Now hes on about Kinect PASS!
Metal Gear Solid as a “Action game” thats easy if they take out all those damn cut scene.
Wit this is different it looks more like a “Hack and slash” So its not a MGS game then. Hit and mis if you ask me as them games tend to be about not being seen.
Oh great Gears of War 3....................................PASS!! I played the first and hated it and it looks like the series hasn't changed.
Fable 3. Yet to play the second as I hear its buggy to hell and feels rushed. Fable 3 though looks ok, but more along the same lines.
Kingdoms “footage” was shown nice advert bro.
New Halo they kill off the main character, say its the last one and them go on to make even more. Pass as it looks EXACTLY THE SAME!!
“Halo introduced people to multi-player gaming” STOP TALKING OUT OF YOUR ARSE! Ace Ventura did that and it was funny your doing it and its just shit coming out.
On to Kinect voice command seems interesting for the lazy people that are to lazy to press a damn button. Why use a 360 to listen to music when there are devices that do the same thing only better.
I wonder what this “Video chat” will be used for? Go on chat roulette to get the idea. Well watching videos together seems like a good idea if you don't want them over.
Is it me or are these newer consoles becoming less about gaming and more about using it as a PC?ESPN on demand would be nice, but none of the sports interest a nerdy sod like me. Que some classic American over acting. Its not called “Soccer” its called Football, but then they are Americans so they are messed up already as they call Puffy Rugby Football.
SHOW ME GAMES!!!
Ok Kinect games
Kinetcamals (sp) It looks like Nintendogs only if the dog has been eaten by the tiger. This is both creepy and weird.
On to the inevitable sports game this is like “Track and field” on a dance mat. Its been said before and im saying it again it looks like a damn Wiisports clone, but with more games.
It seems like a more advanced Eyetoy and will probably end up being treated like one with loads of shovel-ware crap that ends up in bargain bins.
It would be nice if they stopped showing “Adverts”
You shape? Well mine is slightly rounded till I get motivated to start exercising again.
Dance Central. Oh look a dancing game that hasn't been done before. They guy dancing sounds like he has tasted cock a few times so hes the target male audience for this game.
Star wars – The new cash-in. This seems like it will be fun. For about five minutes it will be great if it has surround sound on it.
Forza. WOW YOU CAN WALK AROUND THE CAR!!! You can do that in real life as well. So for them the new way to play racing games is it act like a 5 year old playing racing cars and hold a pretend wheel.

This Kinect thing seems like a load of crap a advanced Eyetoy well at least unlike the other motion controllers this one can run on junk food and alcohol to keep going.

360 Slim Note to Sony this is how to do a hardware rebuild. It looks like a do want as its a full upgrade. FREE 360s? WISH I WAS THERE!!! LUCKY BASTARDS!!

Over all the Mircosoft one like the Sony one is mostly “Look at our new thing” it was better than the Sony one but not as good as the Nintendo one.
Free gamesthings are always nice.

Moaning about E3 Sony

So then Sonys E3 thingy
Opens with the move so already im annoyed. NO SIR I DONT LIKE IT!!
Comparing his stage to U2s one. His wont hold Bonos ego.
“PS3 is the only console for all the family” Well you got films, for all, games for all, box for baby, and internet porn for the rest.
So he goes on about “3D HD” Urgh more bloody 3D stuff I think its best to say “You must beat Nintendo's 3DS to stand a chance” screw eyeware. I don't wanna buy a new TV and some shitty glasses to play a game. I want this guy to stop talking about 3D and what the PS3 is capable of.
Oh look A GAME!! Killzone 3 was met with whoops from the fanboys. Bloody hell he's talking about single player in a game. I have the first and will get round to playing it when It gets a bit darker out as at the moment I CANT SEE ANYTHING!! What's to be said its a FPS and it one that has been styled in the manner we have all seen before. It might be good to play, but as I said its things we have seen before. “Epic cinematic experience” what he means is loads more sitting there waiting for this FMV bit to end. Play station move comparable so you an hold a pretend to hold a gun and not enjoy it as much.
Urgh more damn 3D talk GT 3D!!!!!!!
I don't care.
LOL a baseball game using “Move” best make sure there's no kids around.
Now back to the “In game footage” to be honest nothing takes my fancy. Its THE SAME STUFF AS LAST YEAR AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT!
Urgh sales talk from someone that seems like he don't like games and is just employed as he can talk sales bollocks.
LOL Sony talking about “Innovation” EVERY THING YOU HAVE MADE HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE!!
Speaking of there innovation heres the “Move” moaned about it before I WANT A FAST FORWARD BUTTON!!
WOW FINNAL HE STOPS TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD THE MOVE IS!!
Sorcery looks ok, but will be one of those games that gets forgotten and is probably nothing more than a playable tech demo that's fun for a few minutes then gets tedious. I think it would sell more if it had the Harry Potter name on it as it looks a lot like that.
Oh goody sports games Tiger Woods with a motion controller? CoughWiicough. This game isn't one for watchers its one for players and golf is best played with clubs OUTSIDE!! this game was bad for those with low ceilings.
Heroes on the move. Sorry but this just looks like another damn 3D plat-former with added arm-waving.
Woooo Playstation move with Coca Cola two things that I DONT WANT!! (The Cola is bloody horrible).
Que some guy I don't know cracking jokes that aren't that funny cracking gaming phrases that he probably read online trying to be “Down with da gamerz” STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVE!! SHOW SOME DAMN GAMES!! He's like a damn motivational speaker. I need a fast forward button NOW!!
Que more Move talk. Wow prices of these things I probably wont buy unless they are cheap. They are talking about games already out?
So many tech demo's disguised as games with a remix of “I like to move it move it” SEE WHAT THY DID THERE?
Time Crisis? It wont feel right without a plastic gun and a trigger.
BLOODY HELL SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE MOVE!!!
Damn I hate Sonys new adverts for the PSP and the kid that they are using GENARICCOULERD KID holding a PSP with game footage that IS NOT PASTED ON LATER! Yeah people aren't buying the PSP due to lack of good games. There are good games its just that they know how easy it is to pirate games on the DS. Sad to say it PRIACY SELLS CONSOLES!! but also means that games company's don't get paid as much
New God of War now I'm interested Sony cant seem to keep to there ideas of “Trilogy”. Heck Duglas Adams kept to the ideas of a trilogy better than these guys.
Little big planet 2 I admit with this I want to play it as I'm a bugger for messing round with things and making stuff. This looks very interesting as it don't have the move to drag it down.
Wut charging for a online”Gold” service? Isn't that a backwards step?
I think its time for a brew as this guy seems to have verbal diarrhoea.
New Medal of honour A WAR GAME I HAVENT SEEN ONE OF THESE!! and its set in Afghanistan THATS A NEW ONE! FECK OFF!! Id rather play Killzone as it looks fun this just looks like the same old tired shite I have seen coming out again and again and again.
Dead Space 2 nice to see EA using QTEs and FMV a load of times. They seem to be forgetting about playing the damn game.

Is it me or are they talking about “limited edition” packs a bit to much?

PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!! PORTAL 2!!
Ok it was welcomed by the voice of Glados that sent shivers down my spine. On walks Gabe and got a laugh outa me. Wait is it PS3 only? Still it got manly tears of joy out of me and looks really good.
Final Fantasy in my opinion is the most over rated series in existence and a MMO in its styling's interests me not. So from now on are they all gonna be online?
It would be nice if he stopped talking about PS3 exclusive content.
Gran Turismo 5 they are doing what they have been doing with every other Gran Turismo game and that is “Oh look at that FMV isn't it shiny” playing racing games from that angle should never be done. Just show us the game in play not this FMV bullshit.
Infamous 2 SHOW US THE DAMN GAME IN PLAY NONE OF THIS...............Read above.
Twisted Metal SHOW.........read above above. At least the guy in the van was some visual candy.
Ok the game in play. Blowing shit up in a city. This looks good. Games where the objective is to blow shit up are better than games where you have to think about shooting things.

In closing the Sony one was one that let me not type as fast as the Nintendo one and was bloody shite with only one game that really got me considering buying it.
Still at least I wasn't typing as fast as I was at the Nintendo one and WILL THEY SHUT UP ABOUT THERE FECKING MOVE!!

Moaning about E3 -Nintendo

Ok so I am watching the Nintendo E3 thingy first as I came up with this idea today. The idea of doing a moan about each of the live conferences.
They will be a bit long and typed as I watched the streams and I have missed a few so there will be a catch up

Technology is a tool?
It is a tool for both good and evil.
Good tech is like a mouse.
Bad tech is like a mouse.
Ok thats the same thing twice, but a mouse can be great for computer based things but is rubbish for getting us drinks, but can be used as some kind of flail so its not all bad.

Ok so Zelda.
I admit that a shiver went down my spine on this one as any Zelda fan will know THAT TUNE! (heck a sod like me has the open chest jingle ans a incoming text tune)
The darkness is gone. GOOD!! I'm getting a bit sick of this whole “lulz its so dark” stuff Ok so I have moaned about the amount of black in these new games. This new Zelda seems to of adjusted the contrast. So great for me SUCK IT to those emo kids that don't like things that have a bit of colour on them. I personally am not a fan of overly realistic games as if I wanted realism id GO OUTSIDE, but probably not while waving a sword round trying to save some girl from a dragon thing while drinking mystic potions bought from some old lady that works in a shop with more different potions. Speaking of those mystic things.
Giant mushrooms? Isn't that Marios thing?
Sword beams? Nice to see them back. To bad they take a bit of time to charge up where as all of us that played the old 2D ones will know that it used to require full heath.
So now we are able to swing the sword at the angle we want to there is some thing that they promised IN THE FIRST WII ZELDA!!
I wonder what happened to the way that they said shooting arrows would be done when you had to pull back on the nunchuck in Twilight princess? Well they seem to of put it in this one even if it didn't work on the demo they are showing (technical difficulty).
They old item screen has gone which is a shame even if it broke up the action of the game.
A new thing is a beetle thing that you can fly round. To me its a bit urghmehhuuuumerrrm? As I don't know what to make of it. It might be good. It might be an excuse for me to grown about it being a bit to hard to use.
A whip as well?
I hope it has a mini game where you whip Zelda for our enjoyment. Heck some preserve sods ;like me would probably play that for hours all while probably imagining that its me getting whipped by Zelda while she is in some fetching S&M number.......................Ok ill keep my fantasy's to me self
WHIP IT GOOD!!!
I am a Zelda fan so ill buy it anyway.

Next thy had
ANOTHER MARIO SPORTS GAME!!
At least this one isn't just one sport. From what I have seen it had volleyball (lulz Sega did it) and basketball. ILL PASS!!!
Now the buggers on about Wii sales. WHO CARES? We know its sold well keep it for the office as all we want are THE GAMES!!
“Wii owners play there systems more than others”
Wait what? Mines not been plugged in in months. My 360 has been on more than that and I HAVE LESS GAMES FOR THAT! Meh you know what my PS2 has spent more time on than them )probably due to games for it being cheap)
Wiiparty?
Looks like Mario has lost his job on that. ILL PASS!! its probably going to be one of those that requires friends and beer or little kids and in this flat I don't have the room for all of them
Urgh a dance game with annoying pop music that got a “ARGGGH” outa me. At least I don't have to buy or play this shite.
Golden Sun dark dawn?
Ok there's that “Dark” thing again I haven't really played any of the others of it, which is shame on me as I hear they are by Team Sonic the people that made the Shining games (don't let that put you off the ones on the Saturn are really good).
Oh look. A new GoldenEye game.
Don't get me wrong fan boys I didn't like it and to me with the last GoldenEye title (err wasn't it EA?) got slated by fans. I'm not looking forward to this as I preferred Perfect Dark which is a bit of a strange thing to say as if it wasn't for the former it wouldn't be for the later. So bring us a sequal to that. Oh wait you didn't make it Rare did and right now they are Mircosofts bitch and are forced to make games that are ranked as “OK” instead of making games that are considerd as “THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST!”
Epic Mickey was next up. Errrm. Yep it looks decent. Yes you saw me put the words “Looks decent” in a sentence for a Disney game. Ok and it has those god damn 3D plat-forming sections, but WHATS THIS? A 2D platform bit? This reminds me of Mickeys wild adventure (never liked it, but it sold really well back when I was in that inde game store). Just hope that there's a lot of these as they look good and have a camera that's zoomed out so you can see where your jumping so no leaps of faith that can destroy peoples like mine enjoyment in the game im playing. (moan about that pending)
Also lol to Reggie talking about “hardened games” while pointing at himself. I wont judge him as I don't know his gaming past.
New Kirby?
AND ITS 2D?AND IT LOOKS different!!?
Who needs lardy dar million pixel characters when you can have something that looks “Arty” like this. This looks quite good and has so much colour its like a trip down to the preschool while on those mushrooms I mentioned earlier.(or like watching Disney Kids)

Dragonquest I wont pass judgement on as I haven't played any of them yet.
I know that's a bit weird coming from somebody that likes the series called Gintama (note the person that made that bloody loves them games and points out that during most episodes)

Metroid another M
The video showed a hell of a lot of ruining round doing nothing, but running round with the usual Team Ninja boss moments. I should pay more attention to these newer games, but I wont so live with it.

NEW 2D DONKEY KONG!!!!
This is good news to somebody like me that hates 3D plat-formers. (Note to self play Donkey Kong country's again)

So now he is talking about the 3DS and 3D I am with him on the whole glasses things as I don't wont eye-where while im relaxing (the sodding parrot will try to get at them).
Ohh smoke and a DS on a pedestal.
So it has a analogue pad (they are calling it a slide pad). EXPECT GAMECUBE PORTS!!! It looks like the DSi and DSiXL have been at it as this looks like the top half is a DSiXL and the bottom is a Dsi with a analogue stick bumping down the D-pad. Two cameras? 3D pictures? Movement tracking? Movement and hand helds is always a bad thing and you can put that down to personal experience as that pesky sun stops us from enjoying games (ok so Botkai made us have to play outside. I wont explain why just get the damn game and enjoy the summer). Movies? Well I admit this is a nice thing but from what they have said these films are all shovelware crap films made to sell crappy toys till the next one comes out. If I want kids films id watch some Studio Ghilbi stuff while wanting to have the money to own a life sized Totoro so I can enjoy those damn mushrooms I keep mentioning while thinking im in a anime land where I can punch peoples heads off and be called “A hero”.
New Pit game?
DAT VOICE!! There's something I don't like from the start. (sub titles please so I can mute it). The combat looks a bit like Sin and Punishment and that's a good thing, but still DAT VOICE!! The game it self looks alrightacus as a mater of fact it looks goodacus.
New Nintendogs met with a urgh from the crowd and from me it is not a game as there is no point to it. There is no end to it.
Going threw all the different companys and what they are making for the Wii cheers for most then came EA “.....................” Yeah next to nobody gives a shit what EA are gonna be farting out this year with a number htats one higher than the others. A new Ridge Racer is always welcomed by me as they are games where its more like select car race, not select car, spend half a hour tuning it, chose colour, chose tires, chose track, choose time, get a brew mirror signal DRIVE!
The 3DS promo advert was funny. (Did I see a red shell? Dose that mean a new Mario kart?).
I just hope that the 3D games on it aren't all about running towards the screen with something chasing you.
THEN! Out come a load of “Both babes” with 3DSs strapped to them so no sods can nick them (shame). Ok it will probably be fun playing with a lass with a strap on but not like this

Overall the Nintendo one was great they seemed to be taking a step back into 2D with a lot of there games.
Dose this mean the they are getting over this whole 3D games phase? With there main console and going back to there 2D routes?
I HOPE SO!!

Balls to the pitfalls

Well it is Friday (ok Thursday as I was writing this) and as such it is time to "Get me moan on". As per-usual I seem to get them from playing games while having a brew.

Ok picture the scene. I am there N gage in hand playing on it (I think that's what it was ment for as Im not taking calls on it as it looks like im talking into Cornish pasty holder). So the game I am playing is Sonic N, Im not moaning about that as it is a good game (review coming soon), but there is one thing that narks me off about it, as a matter of fact its the same thing that annoys me about most 2D plat-formers and heck most games with jumping in.
What is this thing?
Well picture this. You are there happily running threw the level then all of a sudden! You fall and fall and fall and then death. So if you didn't know that is called a “Pitfall” (not the game). What are pitfalls? They are holes in the ground that leed to death. A bit unrealistic as nothing can't kill you. Well I say “Nothing can't kill you” if there was some big walking bastard death machine from Satan's sweaty crotch strap called “Nothing” and it was a bit pissed off at you for eating the last chocolate hobnob he probably would kill you, but to my reflection that thing doesn't exist. So nothing can't kill you. I know that they are basically doing is saying that “This fall will kill you” but why not just have something there? Or loop the drop till you hit a floor? At least then there will be something there and thats better than nothing. Its like the grim reaper with a stealth suit is lying there and you land on his mighty boner.
There are even games where you can die from falling off something that is slightly higher than the platform you are on is some cases this can be a pixel difference. If I died every time I jumpped off the sofa I probably wouldn't of lasted long in this world.
These bloody things are annoying especially when they can't be seen coming.
Why are they in games?
To make them more challenging?
Like fug they do.
LIKE FUG THEY DO!!!!

Listing moan

Sorry for the lateness of this weeks moan things have gone tits up in the kitchen and not in a good way. (all that food gone to waste). This moan will be shorter than usual. Normal moaning will resume next week.
So anyway its time to “Get my moan on” Ok so we all have seen these “Top things” lists and for the most part people will always disagree with them. At the end of the day they are all down to personal opinions, but as I always say “Opinions are like onions, they are not always welcome” so why am I moaning about them? Well one thing is that when mags that arent associated with games do them they are usually the worst type like with Empires recent “Top 50 games characters” ill save you from looking threw it and just say that Gordon Freeman is at number one.
Yeah Freeman he hasn't spoken once, he has no personality. Hes basically lifeless pile of polygons, but this ain't a rant against rubbish games characters (yes mi calling him rubbish). Then you see thing like “TOP 50 GAMES!” on MSNs site that has what is the same game in there a few times and probably some older titles that they have probably only ever herd where good.
There is one mag that dose a top ten every issue and it is a games mag infarct it is GamesTM. They tend to be games of a certain type or theme (like sports, horror or pervy). They recently did one about the top multi-player games. Some of it was blatantly obvious (Bomberman, Mario Kart) but they also had crap on there (COD/HALO REALLY! We all know that when there next games come out they will be in the next list) these where mostly for online players and I don't feel that its the best way to play multi player games. The lack of Doom. Warlords, Deathtank zewi and Combat was disappointing, but ok the lack of Death tank is understandable as it wasn'tt that easy to gain access to (You needed aSaturnn Duke Nukem andetherr Quake orexhumedd saved on theinternallmemoryy)
Well at least it wasn't one of them TOP TEN SEXY GAMES FEMALES!!. I watch one of them recently and it was laughable, not due to the host (looks like she has only ever played on the Wii and seemed a bit lacking in knowing what she was talking about). So yeah these lists are bloody annoying and are usually a way of filling up a few pages for lazy writers (heck classic Rock Magazine dose it a lot) and now to tie things up heres my top list of things to do when you see one you disagree with.
1.Shake your head.
2.Rage a bit.
3.Question it.
4.Ignore it.
5.Turn the page.
6.Think no more of it.
7.Never read the offending article again.
8.Get on with your life.

Thanks for reading now back to booting that bloody fridge for warming my drinks

Fear of the darkrness

Well its Friday. I have a carton of that lovly Rubicon Mango juice (theres a Mango week? What about the Bananas?), I have some good music on so it means it must be time to “Get My Moan on”


So what is it with these modern games and the lack of decent light fixtures? Its like in the future the have forgot about the power of decent lighting. Its so damn dark! Id hate to be afraid of the dark as these games would be hard to cope with. Even worse if you have Melanophobia or the fear of your own refection as you will be seeing a lot of it. What happened to torches? Did they forget they existed? There common as muk these days. Maybe its due to in the future they can only use these new energy efficient ones and as we know they don't fit to well in torches and are a bit ugly. Ok its wrong to call them “NEW” as they have been out for a long time, but just look at one (Not not while they are on unless you want to see white dots even it that will counter that amount of blackness, but if you want to see white dots you can either paint on a pair of classes or on your eyes, one is ok the other will make you have eyes like M Bison).
I think the only one where I liked it dark is in DOOM3 some hated it I liked it, but at least that guy had a torch, but why didn't he think of strapping it to his head? Is sticky back plastic gone as well?
You would think that in the future its always night time. Like the sun dicided to go on holidays.
Now I know that night time missions are meant to be done to surprise the enemy, but what if they have a touch? Or that greeny night vision? Or worse still have learned from the years of games that a raid will probably happen at night and so have shut the doors to there base and are all wrapped up warm with a mug of coco. While muggins decides to go there at night threw the wind and rain and other assorted nasty weather that the weather man got wrong as he is blinded due to trying that painting white dots on your eyes trick (Kids don't try that at home).
I mean what if you are like me and end up playing these games during the day? Thanks now I have to close my damn curtains and make it look like im doing seedy things in my flat and stopping daylight from getting in.
All I ask for is the option of having decent light fixtures so if I wanted to surprise the enemy I could shoot out the lights so they know what its like to live in the dark.

Unless they are the evil mole men in which case we are all screwed!

ALL FEAR THE EVIL MOLE MEN!!!
THEY WILL RULE AGAIN!!!