Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Kinecting the spam

Wow to early moans in the past few weeks. This is mainly because I have been in the mood earlier than usual. So what’s got me “Getting my moan on” this week to the extent that I am doing it early?

Well its the following.....

Ok so the Kinect is out soon. Excited for it? I tell you what it looks promising. If you are blind, but if you are blind what are you doing reading this? (unless its the future and this is a brail screen)Well that is if you have the room for it and looking at my small council flat I don't. Well its not like I was gonna buy it anyway, but what it a new bit of hardware with out games? I tell ya what it is “Useless”, but what are these games that will make us have to move our furniture to play it? Well here it is THE LIST OF DRED and it seems to be THE LAW that they fill it up with the kind of crap that was out on the Wii about five years ago.

  • Kinect Adventures (Good Science Studio/Microsoft) – You know the one that uses that shitty little boat? THIS IS IT! Off to a good start then

  • Kinectimals (Frontier/Microsoft) – Nintendogs the full version only with a Tiger to show kids that Tigers make good pets.

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1 The Video game (EA/EA Bright Light) – The trend that is Harry potter is not dead yet. Just festering in sell out heaven

  • Dance Central (MTV Games/Harmonix) – Gamespam its arse anyway.

  • Your Shape: Fitness Evolved (Ubisoft) - For people that live in dodgy neighbourhoods that want to get fit. THIS IS FOR YOU!

  • The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout (THQ) – To easy. NEXT!

  • Kinecting pornstar (LulZ inc) – DERP!

  • EA Sports Active 2 (EA Sports) - Piss off EA

  • Zumba Fitness (Majesco) – Why not make it “Zombie fitness”? Think about it. You are the zombie trying to stop your limbs from falling or getting shot off. Dodge those bullets (inc bullet time)

  • Get Fit With Mel B (Black Bean Games/Lightning Fish) – Lets face it. She needs the money

  • DanceEvolution (Konami) – Why Konami? MAKE A NEW GEOMON GAME!

  • Dance Paradise (Mindscape/Smackdown Productions) – More acting like a prat on camera

  • Kinect Sports (Rare/Microsoft) – Oh Rare. What have you become? You have lost what made you great.

  • MotionSports (Ubisoft) – Whoopee a sports game. How unique.

  • Sports Island Freedom (Konami/Hudson Soft) - Well at least it isn’t a forced motion Bomberman.

  • Kinect British isles sports – Ok I come up with this one, but why no games based on our odd sports? Chase the Cheese would be hard to do

  • Kinect Joy Ride (Big Park/Microsoft) – Will it come with a “hotwire ya own ride” option?

  • Fighters Uncaged (Ubisoft) – Or the one that might end up in a punch up if your both drunk.

  • Sonic Free Riders (Sega) – Look something that is different

  • Crossboard (Konami) – Oh wait maybe not. Ok this is snowboarding.

And lastly

Game Party in Motion – Saved this one till last as it has a list of other games on it. Notably these...

  • Darts – Note you don't have to look like a darts player to play. Id be interested to see how this works. What with being somebody that plays darts (not very well).

  • Horseshoe Hysteria – Id prefer the noble sport of Welly Wanging.

  • Root Beer Tapper – TAPPER!! Teach your kids to pull pints from the safety of your own home. Ok maybe not. Strange that this is the only game in this entire line up that I wouldn’t mind playing.

There you have it. Its a line up alright. A line up of shit and that’s not a nice line up un less you are a scat fan. If you are you are one sick werido (note I didn't mean the music type of scat). As far as “Motion control’s” go it certainly isn’t a moving line up for those of us that like a little depth to our games. Or a story of sorts. Heck even Pong had a story line (Left player is being tormented by the right and is trying to get his revenge by batting a spiky ball at him), but these games? NONE!

Not even a simple one. Heck the only game for it that looks interesting is that “Child of Eden” and the best thing is IT CAN BE PLAYED WITH A PAD!. There was also a announcement of Steel Battalion for it.

Yeah right.

From 30 buttons and a man sized controller to NONE and fannying about in mid air pretending to be piloting a mech.

Screw you Capcom. Make a decent sequel and some way of using that manly controller on the 360.

The Kinect is going to be like the Wii. Fun for a short while, but where are the decent games? Heck WHERE ARE THE ONES THAT CANB BE CALLED “GAMES”?

Also I saw that on Opreah (don't watch it only read about it)she gave them away to her “Fans” they will probably the worst people to give a bit of tech to as they will probably be the type of people that don't own a 360. Or know how to wire one up. So they will be seen down the pawn shop flogging it off. Bit like the rest of them in a few weeks .


Buy it this is the games thing for somebody with the attention span such as yours

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